Dear Producers of MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”,
My name is Stan Michelson and I’m writing to you on behalf of my soon to be 16-year-old daughter Stacie. See, Stacie absolutely loves your program. The thing is I really think you guys are getting up the hopes of a lot of young girls.
Stacie turns 16 in 4 months and is already hinting at an exclusive party in the heart of Beverly Hills. We live in a small town called Socrates in upstate New York. You can begin to see the problem I’m having? Right now I’m working three jobs just to save up enough money for her to go to college, but I think Stacie would rather blow her entire college fund on one huge party. Or as she so eloquently put it “one night of awesomeness is worth more than 4 years at any college”. She’s been talking about it ever since that wretched show aired.
Stacie keeps dropping hints about how much she “loves Hillary Duff” and how awesome it’d be if “Hil just dropped by and said ‘hi’ on her 16th”. I did some research on Google as it turns out; to get Hillary Duff to play one song would cost $5,000. That’s two months salary for me. She’d make it in like 2 minutes. Life really isn’t fair.
I work the 3 jobs, two fulltime and one graveyard shift for time and a half and we can just barely get by. Stacie’s mom ran out when she was 11, it was very difficult for her to cope with the loss of her mother, so I try and do everything in my power to make up for mother’s inability to be a responsible parental figure. The last thing I needed in my already dreadful and uneventful life was my daughter to have delusions of grandeur for her 16th. I was thinking a small get together at Applebees with just close family. Maybe two or three of her friends. I even cut out a coupon from the newspaper the other day, one free appetizer. Boneless Buffalo Wings, Nacho Nuevos or Potato Skins. I was going to let Stacie pick, since it’d be her birthday party and all.
Stacie started leaving torn out magazine pages around the house, circling the red convertibles in marker. I drive a used Honda that I bought from my brother-in-law 10 years ago. It’s got 125,000 miles on it. Are you beginning to realize how you’re ruining my life MTV?
What I’m really trying to say is, I fucking hate you guys. You’re seriously destroying my life and my little princess. I don’t know what I’m going to do for her 16th birthday now. Applebees probably won’t cut it anymore. Maybe Chili's or TGIFriday? I don't know. What I do know is my little Stacie and I used to go Applebees EVERY birthday. She used to love the chicken quesadilla grande. Just like she used to love me.
Thanks again. I really fucking hate you guys,