Tuesday, July 24th 9am: Hey Sweetie, it's dad. Listen, I'm so so so sorry about what happened. I just heard on the news that you had another relapse and checked into rehab again. I can't help but feel partly responsible. But I have always tried to be there for you Linds. Oh, which reminds me this totally wasn't even why I was calling but while I'm on your machine I'm in the middle of writing my new book "Mike Lohan: Superdad" and for some reason I'm blanking on years five through ten of your childhood. If you could just get back to me with a few details here and there .it doesn't have to be that extensive, just the sparknotes version would be great. I already have plenty of filler about the first lines we did together right before you hit the set of the Parent Trap.
9:14am: Hey darlin. Me again. Listen, your mom isn't giving me information about where you are located which is really kind of unsettling. I know she wants what is best for you but I have been there for you all these years and all I want is to show you some Big Mike lovin. It sure has been a while but I assure you I'm a lean, mean spiritual machine ready to pump some rehab into your heart. That and some Vicodin. It might help you get through the hard times.
9:45am: Daddy Lo here. Did you call me? I thought I felt a vibration from my phone but it didn't say I had any missed calls. Isn't it weird how that happens sometimes. Like you think you're feeling a vibration in your pocket and then it turns out the phone is on the kitchen table? I guess our brains are trained now to immediately thinks it's a cell phone since [BEEP]
9:47am: Must have got cut off by the machine. Anyway give me a call back as soon as you can. Kind of on a deadline here. The publisher would really love years five through ten whenever you get a chance. Again, no pressure, but it would be really helpful.
2:52pm: Woo! Good news baby! When I hadn't heard back from you I just had Dakota Fanning's people ghost write some stuff for me and the publisher loved it. Especially the part about the horses and all the meth. And wait even better they want to turn it into a made for TV movie. It really is a great day isn't it? I have to go out of the country now because I'm giving some talks about spiritual healing and the key to good parenting. So I've gotta run but I'll speak to you soon. M-LO out.