Does anyone know if Michael Jackson was molested as a child? The picture they have him in this advertisement makes it look as though a small, curved, uncircumsized penis is coming towards his forehead. You know that face you make when that happens, you get all big eyed, pull your head into your shoulders, make sure your tear glands are prepared for the vicious onslaught that is about to befall your face.

Which brings me to my next point, remind me not to molest my children. I don't want them going all politically radical on my ass and start trying to pick political fights with me. Then the result of the arguement will just end up being him starting a picket line in my front yard screaming into a megaphone about how I "support the death of unborn children and consequently am preventing the return of Jesus Christ." As cool of a nickname that would be, Sean "Anti-Armageddon" Connors, it really wouldn't help me out on my quest to become a christian rock artist. Sean "Rockin' for the Greater Cause" Connors. The only downside to that is that you don't actually get paid money, just vouchers to be used in heaven. It's a good thing to collect since you do have to spend ETERNITY there, and far be it from me to have to use up all my heaven allowance on Ice-Cream (which there better be plenty of.)

Now don't get me wrong, i will have to ruin my child in some shape or form, i just don't want it to be from molesting. The question is, what route should i take?

I could be the father that raises his children like he raises a dog. One type of food and water two times through out a day, hit them on their nose with a newspaper if they do something naughty, and rub their nose in their excrement if they do it on the carpet. Think of how disciplined they would be! Captain of the (Sport) Team and president of the (Whatever the fuck they're into) Club. I would be recognized as the best fucking father in the world by the PTA and my children would get a shit load of friends. The problem with this is that they would want to join some save the world campaign or a communist army, and by that age a newspaper won't be big enough so i would kill them and hide the body in the cellar because i wouldn't want to become blacklisted for that shit.

Of course i could raise them to explore their true self through art, music, and whatever hippie bull shit that they can do, too. Never knowing what discipline is and just leading their life as freely as they want. Creativity leading their way into dark t-shirts, ridiculously baggy pants, and anime. Sitting in the house all day and screaming their mother fucking heads off when the can of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles gets past half-way and they can't squeeze their fat, stoned, hands inside. They may graduate from high-school but will be far too lodged into the sofa to lift their asses out.

Maybe if i raised them with my belief system then they would be alright. Finding the most awful shit hilarious and not taking life seriously at all. Leading a life that they find to be the best suited for them, even if it doesn't go how they want it. And when it doesn't, they bitch about it for a long time and shit on everyone else's day until they feel better about their current situation. Only trying to amuse themselves and in turn, looking like total dickweed's to everyone around them. Eventually losing all social contact with the world and keeping to themselves in their dorm rooms writing weird random bull shit on their blog.

Or I could smother them.