Dear Paris,

You are hot. You have a great body and spectacular legs. Given the fact that you are good looking I decided to look you up on Google and see if I could score some naked pictures of you. I heard about the "Paparazzi Pic" of you getting out of a car so that was my first priority. It's not bad except for the fact that your vagina looks like a badly used 1950's catcher's mitt. That's all good though because obviously you like to bone down and I'm a big fan of women who appreciate and embrace premarital sex. I also heard about the couple of videos that you made with Rick Solomon. Using my sick web surfing ability I was able to locate said videos and watch them. All I can say is, WOW………… are really bad at making homemade porn.

First off, you don't really have to ask a guy 500 times if he likes it when you are blowing him. It's pretty obvious if his piece looks like rigor mortis is setting in. Look into his eyes and use your mouth on his insemination stick instead of his ear.

Second, say something a little more seductive than "Do you wanna fuck?" Seriously, I haven't heard something this stupid in porn since I watched "The Other Sister" (I don't actually think that movie was porn but I got off watching the sex scene) Here are some tips: I) Look into the camera so I can think you are looking at me. II) Use the classic seductive line, "I need you so bad right now" or be more dominate and say "I need to you to fuck me right now!" Taking control is a great turn on for men and it also makes it enjoyable for the people sitting on the toilet with their laptops.3) Look happy taking the money shot. Nothing is worse then seeing a chick letting a man blow in her face then acting repulsed that he did it. Semen is great for the skin and I hear that the Aztecs used it as currency, so don't waste it.

Lastly, TURN ON A FUCKING light!!! How am I supposed to get my rocks off when you have night vision bouncing everywhere? I couldn't tell if you were getting nailed or doing a recon mission at midnight in Baghdad. All I could see was a green face that was breathing hard. For the first few minutes I actually thought I was watching the Blair Witch Project.(Which was a great porn as well) It wasn't until I saw what looked like a double whopper with cheese (aka you vagina) that I realized what I was watching. I thought I saw a boob about 50 times only to realize that it was Rick's knee. You don't realize how that experience can traumatize a man.

After watching these videos it made me realize that you can't be very smart. (Sorry I didn't already know, I don't keep up with the Hollywood Gossip that much) Knowing that you are probably as dumb as you look I figured I should ask around about what people thought of you. I started off by asking my buddy Colin who grew up in a town of 7 people. He asked me who you were so I showed him a picture. His exact words were "Ohh isn't that some rich dude's daughter who has down syndrome and a lazy eye? Yeah, I don't think she does anything." While I cannot confirm you are retarded nor have a lazy eye I feel this is a pretty damn accurate description. Since Colin wasn't a whole of help I decided to ask the most feminine man I know…my roommate Travis. He went into rant where the words "slut" and "huge feet" were used multiple times. The key piece of information he gave me was the fact that you stared on a realty TV show called "The Simple Life". I heard your co-star, a now anorexic Nicole Ritchie, is equally as mindless but much crack whorish. This had me very intrigued so I drove 4 miles to Wal Mart and purchased the entire first season on DVD. It was amazing. I watched the whole season in one night only occasionally pausing the video to get some tissue and rub one out. After sitting there for 8 hours I realized that you two acting dumb is not just some fa├žade. You really are fucking stupid. Come on Paris…I have had more intelligent conversations with that goat I didn't try to have sex with. Now that I fully comprehend who you are I feel I have every right to make fun of you whenever I please. I have earned the right to say things such as "Paris Hilton makes no contribution to society besides showing off her massive vagg." Or something short n' sweet like "Even though Paris Hilton looks like a mix between a giraffe and a stalk of corn I would still bomb on her". Also, please don't respond to this letter like Michelle Wie responded to my letter I sent her. Saying "I'm rubber and you're glue, and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you" will not suffice.

Best regards,

Jared Koch

P.S. If you want me to lay the stop by and lay the wood I will be in LA on January 13-25, 2007.