First off, your teams are the Big Green. That's retarded. Big Green what? There are so many green things. Like the grass I'd have to smoke to stomach living in Hanover. Or the envy I'd have at other schools that actually have team names.

But your mascot is a keg. Not just any keg, but Keggie, the keg with legs. That's gangsta. My school didn't even allow kegs, and your school uses one as promotion. That's the first impression other schools have of you. The keg is your diplomat. "Hi, we're the delegation from Dartmouth, and we make Tara Reid look like she's in MADD." In fairness, if I went to school somewhere with that little to do, I'd stay wasted, too. You guys are such drunks that if there really was a human keg, you'd probably tap him and drain his alcoholic blood into a Solo cup.

And then there's Blitz. You know what the rest of the world calls that? Email. But no, your email is faster! BLITZ! It's instant, like, well, any other email system. Your campus points are also called "dash" – maybe you feel you need to get things done quickly. I bet it's because you're praying for the end of your drunken, thirty-below, mass mailing four years to come as soon as possible.

Thanks for having me. Go Big Green!