O.J. Simpson has written a new book, "If I Did It," detailing how he, "hypothetically," would have murdered his wife and her lover. Simpson insists this is "pure fiction," and that he is still hunting down the "real killer." I was lucky enough to find some excerpts from the book and I've decided to let the world get its first taste.

"If I had actually done it… I would have brought my good gloves that day. I would have thought it was shame they shrunk when I left them out on the patio, but I would have brought them just the same. They were my lucky gloves, and I would have needed them" cause I was going to stab my slut of a wife… hypothetically."

"If I was there, I would tell you that the knife scratched my finger, "'Nobody spills the Juice!' I would have yelled. Then I stabbed them some more… I mean I would have."

"I wasn't sure if they were bleeding or just pretending they were so I stabbed them a couple more times… is what I would have done were I a murderer."

"I would have said, "Shit, now I got to go and get my car a carwash! Getting blood all over my door handle!" Then I would have gone back and stabbed them a few more times for making a mess. I'm pretty sure they would have learned their lesson, lol."

"It would be just my luck, if I went through all the trouble of bringing my cashmere gloves and lost them! That would have made me think of how forgetful I was, so then I would have gone back and stabbed them, just to make sure they was dead."

"And then I lay down, threw my bloodstained socks at the foot of my bed, and slept as cozy as a baby that had just stabbed two people to death… if I had done it."

"Oh yeah, I did it. Can't do shit about it now. Suck it victim's families! God bless America!"