Step 1: Don't talk about stupid things. Seriously, when you start talking about who-likes-who-but-can't-have-them-because-of-that-slut-cheerleader, nobody wants to be around you. Don't get all spazzed out over something stupid, like a new episode of that TV show that really sucks but you won't admit it. Those things are dumb. They don't matter. Whenever you get the urge to talk about anything, even if you are convinced that it is not stupid, stop and smack yourself in the face to save everyone else the trouble.

Step 2: Don't ask questions about sports. If you're going to be in a room with anybody watching any kind of sporting event, do your homework and know the following: a) Who is playingb) Who everyone is rooting forc) The rules (and the point) of the gamed) When to cheerIf you come across a group of people watching a sporting event and you do not know enough about said event, go away. You're not wanted. A cool girl does not need help when it comes to sports. They already know what is going on and do not talk during the game. A really cool girl brings beer.

Step 3: Don't ask if you look fat. Never ever bring this up, reason being that the answer is probably yes and it is completely un-cool to cry. If you have to ask, assume that you are fat and go on a diet, you pig. You don't need anyone else to confirm that you are disgusting when you can obviously decide that all on your own. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, it's just that statistically in the USA, you're probably a porker. Just go ahead and lose the weight if you're unsure. As a matter of fact, stop eating all together. That makes you skinny AND saves money.

Step 4: Don't get excited all the time about nothing. You know the girl dance? It's that annoying thing that girls do when they get excited. It generally involves jumping up and down, hundreds of little baby claps, and a far-too-loud high pitched squeal. That is entirely off limits. When you get that excited about something as dumb as a new kind of pizza in the dining hall, you instantly become the kryptonite to a good time. Just shut up and act normal.

Step 5: Lose the clown face. Makeup looks bad. It just does. Humans are not born with acid green eyelids, gooey pink cheeks, and glittery lips. That is what you call weird. Have you seen the recent pictures of Michael Jackson? That's what you look like. Yeah, it's that bad. Just stop. Go wash your face and come back when you're ready to be normal again.

Step 6: Just stop being a girl all together. You know what a guy really wants? He wants another guy that looks like a hot chick. This doesn't make them gay, this makes them sensible. What you need to do as a cool girl is simple: do the exact opposite of any instinct you have. Be logical for a change. Play video games. Don't hang out with people that you really secretly hate so you talk about them to the other people that you hang out with but don't really like. Next time you want to go shopping, stop! Do you really need to spend money you don't have? If you need something from the store, just walk in, get it, pay, and walk out. Kiss hot girls. And if your guy friend wants to bang you, let him. Cool girls put out. What's the worst that could happen anyway?