So the Gods of masturbation have granted you this one chance Mr. Frodo, an opportunity for a single dorm room. Will you crumble under the increasing pressure of your hand's stranglehold on your rod, or will you prove worthy as your school's most Ferocious Frankfurter Fondler? Having a single will brand you as a constant masturbator, so you can plan on spending 40-50% of your summer landscaping earnings on hand lotion and Brawny paper towels (P.S. A nifty hint, if the internet is down in your dorm, you can use the Brawny wrapper with the robust lumberjack on the front as Splooge Inducing material without fear of being referred to as a Chubby Hugger). Along with this mighty gift comes other prospects of awesomeness that you would not be able to experience with a roommate named Drew from New Jersey who listens to Nickelback to no end. Here is a list of benefits of having a single room:

- You can easily settle down and study without the hassle of the constant playing of "Photograph" or "How You Remind Me" ruining your eardrums at all hours of the night – You won't be stuck with that "roomie" you had last term, the self-proclaimed "Clit Tickler" also known as Ted, who would constantly beat off his stub while you tried to get some sleep for your 8:30 am Calculus exam the next morning. – You can raise your bed and create a mini Meth Lab underneath, increasing your revenue for said hand lotion and Brawny paper towels (Save up for that lotion baby, nobody wants to be handling a skinless hotdog!) – You can pose in front of your mirror in skimpy outfits without fear of losing bro status with the guys you play X-Box with down the hall – After that runny calzone dinner you feasted upon at your school's highly regarded dining hall, you can get a teary-eyed Dutch oven running if you stuff towels underneath the door and close the windows; if anybody knocks, don't worry! Just open the door and allow the aroma to penetrate PJ's or "Peej's"nostrils and instantly murder him – Easy storage of PJ's body – Set up a sweet bachelor pad with your choice of either A). Pulp Fiction posters B). Christmas lights or C). the OC box set sprawled across your cool shag rug. This gear will be used as your "Bimbo Bait" – You can create the perfect love making setting for your date with Lexi, the girl you have been eye fucking in your Intro to Philosophy class for 2 months now. (Do not forget: hide your jerk off materials and Frebreeze the fuck out of your dorm to mask the lingering scent of last night's turkey dinner Dutch oven and the rotting stench of PJ's corpse) – Have sex with that whore without worry of your would be roomie "Dougie Fresh" barging into the room at 2:30 in the morning after just pulling the fire alarm in the late night eatery known as the Cave because they ran out of Buffalo Ranch Doritos.