Nothing is more mind-numbingly painful than having to say how college is going to all of your relatives, seeing as how they all ask the same questions. Without fail. Every holiday. For four years. So, to answer their questions about college without using too much brain power, here is a list of answers to the questions they will ask. They come in the "Genuinely Excited to be at School," "Having a Tough Time Adjusting to College," "Frat Bro," and "Painfully Introverted" flavors.

  • College is going great!
  • College sucks.
  • College!!! WHOOOOO!!! WE'RE DOIN IT!
  • (awkward mumble about "still getting wedgies")
  • Yea, I'm having a blast, I've met a lot of really great people.
  • I haven't made all that many friends yet, but I'm hoping to.
  • Well there were like 42 pledges and already 110 actives, so, like" fuck, you got a calculator?
  • My friends consist of dining hall staff and homeless people.
  • The weather is really great out there, nice and sunny.
  • The weather is OK, nothing special.
  • I don't even roll out of bed til like 3, so I guess the weather is good. Yo, pops! Toss me a brew!
  • The weather outside doesn't even compare to the veritable maelstrom of my soul.
  • Classes are pretty exciting too, I'm taking Econ with this really smart professor.
  • Classes are really boring, all my teachers just talk for an hour.
  • Classes bro? Are you kidding me? I'm so fuckin' hammered that half the time I don't even go to class. The other half I can't even remember where my class is! COLLEGE!
  • I'm taking a really introspective class about Inuits and their complicated language system. Really opens my eyes.
  • Right now I'm undeclared, but I'm leaning towards an Econ major. I'm pretty interested in that sort of stuff, and it leaves me a lot of options after I graduate.
  • I have no idea what I want to do in life or what I want to major in" so probably Comm.
  • I'm fuckin majoring in Partyology, Grandma! High five! WHOOOO!
  • That Inuit thing sounds like a pretty good major.
  • Well, it feels great to be home!
  • Yea, home is pretty fun I guess.
  • I've got like four brothers who live nearby, so we're just straight crushing beers. Keg stand Uncle Mike!
  • I can't wait to get back to school and masturbate to my extensive Hentai collection.