Oh hello friends of all ages and brain sizes. It's been a week a f*ck ups doing f*cked up things, and I'm bringing the gossip to you with the ferocity of a Lindsay Lohan car crash. So let's start with that mess of coke and red pubes, shall we?

Do you live in a hole (or a crack house)? If so, then you're the only person who does not know that Lindsay Lohan gleefully hopped back off the wagon and into the driver's seat of her car, where she chased down her assistant who had either just quit or been fired. Details are still foggy, but what we do know is :

She had coke in her pants.
She could get a shit ton of jail time.
Her 13-year old sister wrote an adorably misspelled email in support of her. Aw, kids! [HollywoodTuna, WWTDD]

Amy Winehouse is a nasty alkie
with coke hanging out of her nose and saggy tits. But don't you just love that "Rehab" song?! [IDLYITW]

Guys! Jessica Alba is finally single! And she broke up with a "regular dude!" Now is your time to stick it in her – or at least around her. Okay, maybe dream about doing so. But still, she is hot and single! [IDLYITW]

Poor Beyonce. Girlfriend was dancing so hard at her Orlando concert that she fell head first down the stairs on her stage. To her credit, she got right back up and started bootyliciousing like nothing had happened. But it's still kind of fun to watch stars fall – and fail. Watch the video! [Egotastic]

It's bad enough if your a teenage girl and your mom has a MySpace page. It's even worse when she writes stuff like this on her MySpace blog:


it took me til NYC to accept the factthat there are no dudes in the demo and you know what? FUCKING EXCELLENT! i embrace this! id rather have homos any fucking day being that i am a gay mn trannie any fucking waay. just read your comments cos i dodnt know how to my blogs. swhats a kudos?"

Sorry, Frances Bean Cobain. Your mom Courtney Love be crazy. [DListed]

Check out this picture
of TomKat getting it on at a party they hosted welcoming The Beckhams to LA. Do you think this is how they bone? Hilariously? Chicken like? With some hand clapping?[DListed]

Holy shit it's Ice-T's wife CoCo again! Someone call the tits and ass police. [CelebSlam]

Finally, this week, Britney Spears continues to go insane.

First, check out this video of her calling a photographer a fat fuck as her kids cry in the background.
Then take note of her diving into the freezing ocean in her underwear.
Finally, enjoy this story of Britney getting super nasty at a photoshoot - you know, wiping her greasy fingers on expensive gowns, letting her dog shit everywhere, and probably doing coke in the bathroom.
But at least she is still nice to fans.
[NinjaDude, IDLYITW, CelebrityBabylon]

Well, I'm off to go dog fight.
- Kate