Your campus cash is called Mountie Bountie. That's adorable. But products that rhyme have a limited shelf life. Like soap on a rope. Or Harry Caray.

You're located in Morgantown, a rural mountainside with a campus stuffed into it. Morgantown was not built to hold tens of thousands of students – it was built to hold three farms, a bait shack and a gas station run by a guy named Earl (Pronounced "Arl"). So what's your answer to the parking problems caused by over population? Building one-story garages, and a public transportation system with one car on each train. Good move. Now excuse me while I go soak up the Atlantic Ocean with a roll of paper towels.

If there's one thing you do well, it's party. Maybe you were drunk when you built those garages and named your campus cash. I've actually seen girls stumbling out of bars and taking rides home from guys they've never met because they'd rather dry hump a stranger than walk up that mountain. This, by the way, was a Tuesday.

You don't just party at night, either. Not a football game goes by without someone burning a couch. Win, loss, tie, bye week, if it's football season, you guys are burning sectionals. Someone should open a furniture store and sell used couches for half price every weekend. They could retire by the end of the season.

"Get a Game Day Special! A bag of briquettes with every love seat!"

Maybe you can use some Mountie Bountie to pick one up.

Thanks for having me. Go Mountaineers!