These are actual letters sent in to Dear Abby, with the exception of one. Can you tell which one?

DEAR ABBY: Help! My daughter, a medical professional in her 30s who has earned bachelor's and master's degrees from two of the top universities in the country, is involved with a guy who doesn't have a high school diploma (not even a GED). She's now talking marriage to him. He does not now, nor has he to my knowledge ever, held a steady job. He lives with his aging mother.

I can see what's in it for him — a meal ticket for the rest of his life — but for the life of me, I can't see what my daughter has to gain from this relationship. He doesn't even talk to her with dignity and respect. I'm just baffled.

Wouldn't you know that she's convinced that her mother and I —as well as her three siblings— are all wrong in our assessment of him? We have always contributed to those on welfare, but, Abby, what would compel my daughter to marry a welfare case? Please help me understand. —STRUGGLING IN THE MIDWEST

Dear Struggling in the Midwest,First of all: can I call you Struggles? It just sounds cuter. Okay, thanks. Now Struggles, there are two reasons your daughter is considering a marriage with such a lowly character. The first is because all women like to have the upper hand. They love it, Struggles. This way, the man will do whatever she tells him to do because they both know that he depends on her finances, causing your daughter to already have him whipped harder than Kunta Kinte.

The other reason is that he has a huge member. Just enormous. Your daughter must be receiving the screw of her life and you must remember that orgasms, my dear reader, know no dollar signs.


DEAR ABBY: I have lived, so far, through eight years of hell with my husband. The one year of heaven was the year before we were married. I won't go into the hell I have been put through, I just want your definition of a real man. If you put this in the paper, please don't reveal my name.

Dear Sandra Ross from Lacrosse, Wisconsin [Social security #321 09 0954],FUCK. Sorry. Anyway, I am dearly sorry to hear about your troubled marriage that you have bravely endured for these years. My best advice would be to have a child with this man because the added responsibility and increased costs will bring you and your husband together like nothing you could ever imagine. Maybe even two if you'd really like to patch up your marriage.


DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for four months now and things are going well. I've always thought he could be "the one." However, when we are in bed as of late he always tries to make me lick the area between his genitals and anus. He says it would really mean the world to him if I did it, but I am just not comfortable with it. What can I do to lessen his frustration while still having some decency? —TAINTed LOVE IN SEATTLE

Dear Tainted Love,Let him in the back door and maybe he will push that strange request down to #2 on his list. If he doesn't, that's just really stinky of him.


DEAR ABBY: Two of my friends are being married a distance away and are having their wedding reception here in Washington, D.C. I received an invitation a few days ago to attend the reception. I like both of them very much. They are upstanding, dedicated, outstanding individuals. They are also both guys.

I am torn. I believe that marriage is between one man and one woman. Part of me wants to attend because I am friends with them, and if I went I would be polite, charming and come bearing a gift. However, another part of me does not want to attend because I don't believe in what they are doing. What should I do? If I don't attend, am I still responsible for a gift?—CONFUSED ABOUT ETIQUETTE

Dear Confused,The nerve of people these days, eh? You made the right choice in denying these queens your presence at their little "wedding." It doesn't matter if they are "upstanding, dedicated, outstanding individuals" as you say. They are two dudes tryin' to get hitched and that's just fucked up.

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE, right?! (I read that on a bathroom wall one time in Alabama; feel free to use it.) So the answer is NO, you should not attend because you don't think they are doing the right thing and your logical beliefs should obviously decide what happens to a couple of queers who love each other. It's icky isn't it, Confused! But etiquette is etiquette; buy a medium-priced toaster for their wedding gift and send it to them with a note apologizing for not being able to attend.

PS. It is not polite to give a gift that doesn't work well, so be sure to test the toaster out in the bathtub first.