Communication is important. Our entire civilization owes a great deal to those first two monkeys who decided to put the fistfuls of feces down and use their voices to communicate. Since that day we've developed increasingly sophisticated methods of relaying information to each other: there was writing, then telephones, then computers and cell phones. All of these innovations have been undeniably helpful in furthering our society, but one more recent invention could erase all of that evolution and send us right back to throwing poop at each other. What's worse is that this invention has been enthusiastically seized upon by one type of person in particular. His name is not important, he doesn't need one. He is simply…

Bluetooth Guy

With his trusty Bluetooth earpiece firmly embedded on his head, you can see this guy talking loudly to the air almost anywhere talking is permitted. Sometimes, just to rub it in your face, he'll hold his expensive phone in his hand while he arches his head skyward and laughs at a joke you, mercifully, didn't hear. If he ever finishes a call – which, mind you, never seems to happen – he'll shoot you a smug look. "Oh," his eyes say, "I didn't see you standing there. I was too busy leading the charge into a brave new world of wireless communication." Then he'll immediately call someone else to tell them about the guy he just saw who didn't have a Bluetooth earpiece and before you know it, he's back to laughing.

Like the memory of seeing your parents boning, the earpiece will never leave his head: he wears it in class, he wears it in the dining hall, he wears it in his house. He'd wear it during sex but he'll probably never get the opportunity. He wears it regardless of whether or not he's talking on the phone. In those rare instances where he's not tilting his head back and laughing, he'll appear to be a normal human. Well, a normal human with a stupid piece of blinking plastic protruding from his ear.

Also, the laws that govern cell phone etiquette apparently don't apply to him. He's chatting away on the elevator, pissing everyone off. He's laughing it up on the bus, turning a boring ride into a miserable one. He's discussing the previews for upcoming movies with a friend at the theater until .001 second before the actual movie starts. He will talk on his earpiece anywhere he can get a signal which, depressingly, seems to be everywhere.

In theory, Bluetooth earpieces are fantastic. Unfortunately, they turn anyone who straps one on into an enormous douchebag. Take a look at Bluetooth guy. Go ahead, look at him. That arrogant, annoying, smug asshole holding his Treo and laughing at the sky was once just like you, and that's the worst part. You are only one $70 purchase from becoming a massive shithead, just like Bluetooth Guy.


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