A friend recently bought me a book on pornification – the art of turning ordinary movies into pornos. Inspired, I challenge the glorious minds of CH readers to a pornification duel. So get out your Dirty Hairy" and make my day.

The O-Men – The devil made them do it. Over and over again. In a circle. Like elephants leading their young. To a gay orgy.

The Miracle Jerker – The inspired true story of a deaf-mute whore and the feisty schoolmarm determined to make her speak. Her first words: "This is definitely not water."

Saw II People Having Sex – It. Was. Awesome.

Forrest Gump – Tom Hanks plays a mentally challenged Southern man who overcomes all odds to fight in Vietnam, win a football championship and meet the president – reaffirming our belief in the human spirit. Because being entertained by retards is porno for the soul.

E.T. The Extra Transsexual – "E.T. phone ho! Phone ho!"

Debbie Does Dallas, Sexually – Meet Debbie. She likes penis and vagina. Moreso than" other previous times.

Schindler's Lisp – We'd understand him if he didn't have a dick in his mouth.

The English Patient-ly Have Sex With American Women During the Revolutionary War – A period piece from the History Channel starring that guy from the Verizon commercials as General Cornwallis and Tracey Gold as his kitchen wench. "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

If you're curious, the actual book on pornification is from the lovely folks at Falls Media.