Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Oh, The People I Meet
July 29, 2007
Hi, my name is not important because you will not remember me. What you will remember is that instead of ordering a vodka tonic, I order a 'Grey Goose and tonic.' You will also remember that my job involves doing something with money. Even though i explained it for half an hour that is all you will retain. You'll see me later talking to your girlfriend and when I make her laugh you'll get enraged. Later, while you two are fighting, you'll accuse her of flirting with me and you'll be 100% correct.
Hi, I'm a girl whose name starts with an S. You will remember that I have a boyfriend who I like to talk about while simultaneously hinting that I could be persuaded to cheat on him. You'll remember that I went to a college somewhere near Chicago and that my grandparents have a summer house where you went for vacation one year. You may or may not masturbate to me sometime in the future but your memory of me will be so hazy that in your sexual fantasies I will morph into your high school girlfriend, Ashley.
Hey dude, I'm drunk guy. I didn't tell you my name because I probably don't even remember it. I did put my arm around you a lot, though, and screamed some shit about baseball in your ear. Remember that? I don't. Oh, I also pretended I was going to fight you at one point but then I laughed and offered you a sip of my beer. You hate me.
Oh hey man, I'm friend of a friend of a friend kid. I don't know anyone else here but when you casually said hi to me at the bar I took that as an invitation to follow you around all night. Remember that one thing we both agreed we liked? I'm going to keep bringing it up because it is literally the only thing we have in common. Isn't that one thing funny?! I'll force you to give me your cell phone number and instantly call you to A) give you my number and B) make sure you didn't give me a fake one.
? Not yet, but soon
Hello. I'm Indian guy. I'm the only Indian guy here and will make you uncomfortable when you try to point me out to someone. You'll try to describe me by what I'm wearing but when the person you're talking to isn't finding me you'll just say 'the Indian guy.' You'll wonder if I make more money than you and when you decide that I do you'll have deep, conflicted emotions about your own racism which will upset you because you like to style yourself a liberal. You'll eventually tell yourself that we were all immigrants at one point and that you don't care that I make more money than you, but we both know that's not the end of it.
Hey asshole, I'm your girlfriend. You've been ignoring me all night so you can talk to other girls you think are pretty. You will tell me that you're just catching up with old friends and that I need to learn how to mingle with your friends but we both know you're just trying to have your cake and eat it, too. I will continue to give you disapproving looks from across the room as your flirt with other girls and later we will get in a fight in a taxi because I think you were acting like a selfish dick and you think I am being a clingy, insecure bitch. I'll then begrudgingly have sex with you and make snide remarks about your performance till you fall asleep.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.