I watch tv approximately 64000 hours each day. I'm willing to assume that if the time I spent watching tv were represented on a pie chart, a sizeable, yet thoroughly undelicious piece of that pie would represent commercials for e-harmony.com. I literally have nothing to do all day, so I thought to myself, "I've been watching commercials for this apparently remarkable online dating service for years now, and have yet to take advantage of the offer for a free personality profile, which has recently increased in value from $40 to $50." as I am frugal and hardly one to throw away a free $50, I logged onto the much-publicized website and commenced the filling out of said personality profile. I should have realized from the start that it would not end well, but I am naive and hopeful (though not according to the answers I gave for the profile), and I continued.my first inclination that I might not receive favorable results was that you have only two choices upon entering the site: "I am a woman seeking a man" or "I am a man seeking a woman." naturally, this was a bit unsettling for me, as I am of course a woman seeking an android. though a little dissapointed that I would never find my dream guy (sonny from "I, robot") on eharmony, I braved through the rest of the survey. when I got to the end, several hours and four keyboard-related injuries later, I was more than devistated to learn that I was compatible with
NO ONE. take a moment for that to sink in.I, possibly the coolest person in the entire world, am not compatible with anybody. I was thoroughly shocked for several minutes and unable to even utter a cursing response at the computer (whose fault it obviously was). then I considered what might have gone wrong with my profile. I know that eharmony filters out certain applicants (first and foremost, homosexuals) for various reasons, and I pondered which of my responses might have been offensive enough to render me incompatible with every man in the world.I assume that the biggest problem was my age. at 20, I am hardly in dating range for dr. whitehairandglasses, founder and ceo of eharmony, and I assume that compatibility with him is the primary criterion for dating consideration.apart from that, I do not think I expressed enough interest in christ our lord and savior, or, more specifically, talking about that interest with my partner and instilling relating values in the large numbers of children we will obviously rear together. the fact that I smoke more than "once a year" might have been a problem, as that goggly-eyed fro-sporter from the truth.com ad campaign probably spends his daytime hours screening applicants. the only other thing I can think of that might possibly have been a problem was my blatant lack of interest in asian men. there is a portion of the survey in which applicants mark off all the ethnicities they would like to be matched with, and I only marked white, hispanic, and black. they probably took one look at my "no pencil-dicks" response and swiftly dropped the proverbial axe on my dreams of true love. though I am disappointed that I will never find my one-and-only through the vastness of the interweb, I am trying to console myself with the thought that it will provide me with fuel for hours of heartbroken weeping, and that should kill some of my free time.