Current affairs are important to everyone. To ensure that the children's menu demographic receives the news that it needs, top stories will be reported by Hannah Frasier, age 8.

Grown-ups Are Addicted to Stuff Like Phones and Computers!

If grown-ups don't get to use phones or watch tv, they don't know what to do, because they HAVE to use phones and watch tv. Sometimes if I don't do all my homework or if I don't want to take a bath, my mom doesn't let me watch tv, but she still gets to. Plus she gets to stay up late. My dad has a beard and he loves his new iPod phone more than he loves my mom.

Americans Are the Fattest People in the World!

Every single state is fat! Soon everyone is so fat that it will make America sink into the ocean! France will laugh at us because they only eat the cheese part of a cheeseburger, so they are skinny. Sometimes they also eat cigarettes

Usher Doesn't Want to Get Married to His Wife!

Usher and his wife are having a baby, but now he doesn't want to get married to her. They must already be married if they're having a baby, so he probably just doesn't want to get married again. Probably because she's fat now.

There's This One Lady Who Was On This Show That My Older Brother Really Likes and She Says that Math is Cool!

Winnie Cooper is good at math, and she wants to make girls do math, because most girls don't like math, so she's writing a book about it. The book probably has pictures of kittens doing math. I hope.

The Devil Was in a Baby!

There was this one little girl who was three, and her grandpa thought that the devil was in her, so he had to get it out by strangling her, and when the police went to their house, they hurt him so he wouldn't strangle her anymore. There was blood everywhere and her mom was naked and then the grandpa died.