Ancient secrets so powerful it could only be presented to you via the Internet: how to convince 10s you are worthy of them—nay, better than they are.

Remember that girls, especially hot ones, like trustworthy guys. "Trustworthy" comes from Olde Englishe and means "worthy of a trust fund." If you have such a fund, you're set. If not, you can get her to think you do by correctly pronouncing Lacoste, mentioning Ibiza, or saying you're pursuing your career as an artist while living in the Village.

But girls don't only like rich guys. They like rich guys who will spend money. This can be difficult if you don't actually have money, so you'll need to get some or to fake it. The best way to get money is to inherit it, so ask around and see if your parents or grandparents are rich and ready to die. If that fails, you can beat up guys you see out with hot girls around them and take their money.

A good way to fake having money is to pick up girls in a restaurant where you work. That way, you can easily steal from the kitchen whatever she wants to order. Make sure it's a restaurant where your uniform doesn't give you away—a friend of mine had an incident one time at a TGI Friday's.

It's also important to have cool transportation. While some recommend the classic leaning-on-other-people's-cool-cars-to-pretend-it's-yours technique, I would stick to the keep-asking-about-the-nearest-helipad-to-indicate-you-own-a-remote-controlled -helicopter technique.

That's it! Normally money and a penis is enough to seduce a 10. If you're having trouble just say you're a fashion photographer or senator. Who's to say you're not!