Have you ever found yourself at a party wondering, "What should I do?" Fear not, friend, for I am veritable master of party protocol, a fountain of fete-tiquette, a staggering voice crying in the wilderness, "Where are my car keys?"

My party expertise is extensive and well-documented, most notably in police records. The police like to know who the best partiers are in case they want to have a party, which they even pick you up for! Many times I have been so popular at a party I was expelled from the house because everyone was so jealous.

The first thing you must do at a party is drink yourself to oblivion. How will you know when you get there, you ask? Easy, I answer: When you're holding a Solo cup in all four hands, or after the second time you vomit, whichever comes first. When in doubt, take two shots. When in doubt about taking two shots, take Ketamine. You'll know you're done when people ask you your name and you mutter, "Consuelo . . ."

Be careful when drinking! If you eat first, you might not get wasted as quickly or thoroughly, wasting precious soir-econds . I normally fast for 72 hours before a party.

Once you are thoroughly wasted, see if you can find your host's bathroom. You'll need this room more than any others""for regular bathrooming, vomiting, crying, checking yourself in the mirror, telling yourself "Hey, good-looking" into the mirror, and most importantly, for the medicine cabinet. Check it as soon as possible, or else someone else might take all the good stuff. A complete list is not possible here, but I'd recommend taking anything that doesn't explain what it does or what its side effects are. That way it's a surprise! If, however, you find a bottle of Robotussin, save it for your hangover. Out-of-body is the best hangover remedy.

Now that you've downed a fistful of pills and pounded a half-bottle of Dayquil, you're ready to schmooze. Schmoozing is what you do at a party when you're waiting for drugs and alcohol to hit you. Start by approaching people who are in the middle of a conversation""this way, you already know they like conversations and don't have to escape an awkward situation. Then you should introduce yourself (try to be funny! Hint: use a joke). Talk about whatever interests you, i.e. the weather, sports, and yourself, and then wait for your mind to shoot to the surface of intoxication as if it had been left at the bottom of the ocean.

Once you pop to the top and take a breath of fresh crazy, it's time to dance. I'd tell you how to dance, but I don't know. If you're like me you'll just point out people who are trying to dance and failing without trying to dance yourself. Another fun thing to do is go to the center of the dance floor and fart, hard. Caution: do not shit your pants, at least not in winter.

When you get tired of dancing, start a fight. I like to punch someone who can dance, beating the dance right out of her. Sometimes you should fight a guy, just so people know you're tough. Find a guy who looks like he'd understand the phrase, "Hungry? How "'bout a knuckle sandwich? With a side of "'I'm gonna kick your ass.'"

If a party starts winding down, now is your time to shine. Chug a brewski and start punching a street sign until your hand bleeds. This tells the other partiers, "Party on! I'll be hitting this sign!" People like to know someone's got those signs under control.

Don't worry about a ride home""that's why cops have cruisers. Also, did you know the hospital will come get you?! You don't even have to call""someone else probably will, if you know what you're doing. If you find yourself regaining consciousness in an ambulance, try to hook up with your EMT (this is another reason not to have shit your pants on the dance floor). If it fails you can always start another fight. Plus if you fight an EMT they just give you better drugs.

Perhaps you think these techniques can only be used at a rowdy, Animal House-style party. Think again! Any party can be a suitable location to employ them. I have partied in this manner in hospitals, police stations, and funeral homes. Ever hear of an "office party?" You can make one in any office! Just bring some Jaeger and some Mad Dog and rufie the receptionist.Now you have an outline for your partying evenings. Fill in the blanks with locations, names, and alibis. And remember: it's not who you are, or what you're doing. It's how cool you think you look while you're doing it, and . . . BOOZE!!

Originally published under the pseudonym C.H. Graymen in UVA's The Declaration, 31 August 2006.