I bet you didn't know that Harvard is the school of choice for many stars from Nickelodeon. I know a bunch of them personally, and I thought I'd let you all know how they're adjusting to college:
: Doug, perhaps not surprisingly, has had a hard time adjusting to the college social scene. I keep telling him that if he wants friends he's got to change his clothes, but he just won't stop wearing his green vest, shorts and red and white sneakers every single day. I mean Doug only has about 9 strands of hair coming out of his dome, the least he can do is make sure that he dresses well. Also, I feel real bad because the kid won't stop writing in his journal about how he can't find his dog, Porkchop. I just don't have the heart to tell him that he can find what's left of Porkchop on the bumper of my car. Earlier this year, Doug was arrested by campus police for public intoxication as he sprinted through the Quad wearing his underwear outside of his pants and a belt tied around his head. Turns out poor Doug wasn't even drunk -someone had just summoned Quailman.
Patty MayonnaiseAt least Doug has gotten over his borderline-illegal obsession with Patty Mayonnaise. I've finally convinced him that, along with having perhaps the least hot name in history, Patty is struggling in several other departments. For instance, somehow Patty's voice still sounds like a 13 year old boy who is combating puberty on a daily basis. She also still has that brutal short haircut that highlights how awkwardly lanky she is. I have to tell you, though, Doug took it real hard when he found out that Patty started dating Bebe Bluff.
: I wish I didn't have to tell you the sad events of Alex's life -but they're funny. Alex came into Harvard as an intelligent, attractive young lady who had lots of potential in life. She majored in chemistry, where one day she discovered that GC-161 is, in fact, a deadly toxin. She learned that her random neon glowing and ability to liquidate herself, while cool party tricks, were actually warning signs of her imminent demise. Depressed, Alex totally let loose and began drinking excessively. One night trying to show off at a party, she accidentally liquidated herself into a pitcher of beer and was subsequently funneled by our old friend Donkey Lips.
Contestant from Legends of the Hidden Temple
: I don't know this kid very well but I see him at parties all the time. He gets wasted and asks girls if they want go back to his room and help him assemble his Shrine of the Silver Monkey. If things get out of hand and he gets pissed off, he runs around cursing Olmec in a string of racial slurs. He wishes that the intellectual skills that got him to the top of the Steps of Knowledge were applicable in college, but unfortunately he's failing out.
Contestant from Global Guts
: You knew these little superstars had to be out there somewhere, and one of them happens to live across the hall from me. This guy is confused why no colleges recruited him for his athletic prowess. I don't know why either, according to his "Spill Your Guts" profile, he had accomplished such lofty athletic feats such as "playing little league baseball" and "enjoying soccer". Maybe it's because he peaked at the age of 12 like the rest of the kids on the show. The other day I was fortunate enough to see his Global Guts
performance on Nickelodeon GAS
(greatest channel in history for unintentional comedy", and he actually was pretty damn good at shooting those Nerf arrows into a giant Velcro target while bouncing from bungee cables, but unfortunately the NCAA
still hasn't gotten with the 21st century and made this event an official sport yet. I figured that most people who were actually on Global Guts when they were kids are way too embarrassed to ever admit that they were on it, but this guy is actually proud of it. I have to admit, it is pretty impressive that he climbed not the Aggro Crag, not the Mega Crag, but the SUPER AGGRO CRAG
. Despite carelessly missing an actuator during his ascent of the Crag, he took home the Gold and now proudly displays in his room a glowing piece of that awesome rock.
I know there are plenty other Nickelodeon heroes out there, so if any of you have updates on them let's hear them. I'm particularly interested in what happened to Budnick, anyone from Hey Dude, and Ferguson from Clarissa Explains it All.