I've finally realized what Jesus actually would do in these situations…

In Traffic:

Me: Flicks off other motorists,honking loudly.

Jesus: Thinks horns are angelic trumpets heralding his coming, wanders into street trying to part the traffic and gets hit by a U-Haul.

At Home:
Me: Yells at my roommate.
Jesus: Doesn't speak English.

Vending Machine:
Me: Bottled water.
Jesus: Bottled wine.

At The Movies:

Me: Talks loudly on cell phone, irritating everyone.
Jesus: Doesn't understand technology involved, stands up and starts proclaiming, "Beelzebub, depart this place!" Has to be escorted out.

Bungee Jumping:
Jesus wouldn't do this.

Sexiled Again:

Me: Blasts stereo, mutters angrily.
Jesus: Forgives roommate's sins, but in a vaguely passive-aggressive way.

Roommate Fails To Clean Bathroom:
Me: Removes roommate's clothes from bathroom while roommate is showering.
Jesus: After overcoming initial amazement at indoor plumbing, tries to walk on roommate's bubble bath.

Only One Cookie Left:

Me: Eats it.
Jesus: Miraculously divides the cookie into thousands more cookies. Uses them to cure world hunger.

Hasn't Studied For Final Exam:
Me: Cheats.
Jesus: Gets answers from God.

2008 Presidential Election:

Me: Hillary.
Jesus: Kucinich.