The Prolonged Porn Download

You’re downloading some porno. No biggie. As soon as this video downloads, you’re gonna do whatever it is you do while you watch these things, then you’re gonna head over to the library and get some studying done.Oh, the internet connection is a little slow.Well, you’ll just wait a little bit and then do your business and then get going.

Half hour later: This has really taken longer than expected.You wish your wireless connection was a little stronger. Well, that is fine. You’ll search for some Stacey Keibler photos on Google images. It isn’t gonna get the trick done but it will hold you over ‘til this bad boy downloads.It’s kind of like having a granola bar before going out for a steak dinner.Well actually, having some real sex would be like a steak dinner. So I guess it is like having a granola bar before going to a shitty fifty themed diner with greasy burgers.

An hour later: Your books have been sitting by the door for an hour, you have watched Sportcenter twice through, and you’re contemplating heading to the library before this even finishes downloading. It’s been stuck at 97% for awhile, but it will be done before you know it.

An hour and 4 minutes later: You just masturbated to Stacey Keibler.You sick fuck. Just go study, you sick fuck.

The Terrible Pick-Up Attempt

That girl you talked to a couple times in psych class is at the bar tonight. She is giving you the eyes a little bit, but you’re gonna play it cool.The last thing you wanna do is get too drunk and come off as a desperate loser.

Jonny gets four shots; two for you, two for him.OK, it’s not too often that men buy other men drinks, and if he is stupid enough to buy them, you will drink them.But not too much after that.You gotta keep it classy tonight.

You walk up and talk to the girl, Cynthia. “Hey,” you say. “You having fun? I am loving life since midterms ended.” She responds. Cordial conversation ensues. Your chances are looking pretty good. You buy her a couple drinks because you know alcohol is the best wingman.

Playing it smooth, you leave her for a bit. You’re not desperate. And now she’ll know that too. You stop by the bar again, and have a couple more drinks. As you’re drinking, you start thinking, “Fuck it, I am pretty fucking cool, and I am sure she knows that by now. I am gonna whisper some delicious temptations into her ear and we’ll jettison this drinking establishment.”

After having one or six drinks, you walk up to her while she is talking to her friends. You gently bump into her (ever so gently, you suave man), and then whisper the following words into her ear. “HEY LET’S HGS[FH TS,K TO MY FKDMD PLACE. I WJDILL DNDJLNFLO RIGHT ON YOUK!” The stupid prude won’t come down off her high horse and accept your offer. Whatever, you handled it the best anyone could have.Have a couple more and go home. You don’t need sex anyway. Just download some porn before you go to the library tomorrow.

The Doctor Feel-Up

I don’t believe I need to get too in-depth on this subject. You go to your doctor’s office to get something in your penicular region checked out. What exactly are you getting checked out? I don't know. I don't judge you and you don't judge me. What's that? You've never had to get anything checked down there? Yeah me neither. I am making it up based on how I think it would be, so just shut up.

The doc asks you to take off your pants, and then leaves the room to give you some privacy. This, by the way, is the most redundant respect of privacy ever. I mean, he or she is about come right back in to stare at and grab your dick. I don’t think they need to leave while you’re taking your pants off. Now they come back in, and you’re just sitting or standing there with no pants on like a goddamn tool.

They start feeling around, you’re staring at the ceiling, thinking “Oh man I didn’t wear my nice boxers. I wanted to wear my nice ones!” or “I am not sure why he had to stick his finger up my ass too. But he did that during my last eye exam too, so I guess it’s normal.”

Then it’s all over, and apparently nothing is wrong with you.But on the bright side, you just got a nice lil’ feel up from the doctor, for less money than that Taiwanese hooker charges, and without the annoying download time of porno.