I was once a fresh-faced college man with inferiority issues and a crippling fear of all women.  But now I sweat self-confidence and pure testosterone, stand around me long enough something might rub off.

So you want to pick-up bitches at college parties, but are finding it too darn-gall difficult?

For starters, women don’t like being called bitches.

Tell me, would you consider yourself attractive?

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you are an ugly homo sapien; you also have a severe self-confidence problem.  This, like your unsightly complexion, is quite unfortunate because self-confidence is like gasoline for the bitches. 

What?  Yes, I remember what I said about calling them bitches.  Don’t you ever interrupt me again, or I will stop now and you will never know, you will never know

Continuing.  So you have found a college party, does your party include:
    X  A theme
    X  The hip-hop music
    X  Over 100 Guys wearing baseball caps
Then it sounds like you are at a Frat party, chances are you will not get laid.  But hey Carson Daly is still on TV, so stranger things could happen.

Whoa there Virgin Mary, did you say that you wanted to pick-up the girl that you met in line for the keg?


Was the girl you were talking to:
    X  Cute
    X  Interesting
    X  Talking to you
Then she definitely has a boyfriend, move on.

Fatty, your best hope is to find a nice girl.

What, her? Sorry chubbs, but that woman is a slut.

She is a slut because you know she has sex, but would never have sex with you. 

You should try for that nice girl over there, yes, her in the corner.

First, try and think of something witty to say.  Now immediately forget it.A quirky sense of humor makes you appear creepy.

Remember to attempt to come off as cooler than you actually are.  Try using the word 'chill' as an adjective, for example “Yeah, my dorm room is pretty 'chill'.” 

So, you are ready to go in for the kill?  Not so fast MIP-Diddy, you still need something to talk to her about. 
Approved conversation topics include:
    X  Gratuitous compliments
    X  Movies with Will Ferrell
    X  How much this party ba-lows
    X  Your 'chill' dorm room stocked with DVD’s featuring Will Ferrell

Lying about yourself shows self confidence, you may also want to mention your nickname in high school (Girthosaurus).

Conversation No-Nos
    X  How much you have had to drink.
    X  Your webbed toes
    X  Death

Somehow, she has miraculously agreed to go watch Wedding Crashers at your place, this invariably leads to cuddling which if done effectively leads to bigger, better things.

So, you are about to mount your trophy like a twelve point buck. Hold your horses quick draw, there is still one more step before you can complete your college party hook-up.

Slap that hooker in the face.  Do you really want to have sex with some skank who goes home with strangers she meets at frat parties?

Oh, I see.  Well, carry on.