Gary and his wife Cynthia are perusing a jewelry store.
Cynthia: What a lovely bracelet! Oh Gary, you know how I love sapphires, and our anniversary is only a few weeks away!
Gary: The price is wrong, bitch.

Gary's son Ethan has just given up a walk-off home run in his Little League game.
Ethan: Sobbing
Gary: Oops, you did it again, son. You cost us the game. OOH BABY BABY!!

Gary's oldest son Kyle was dumped by his girlfriend of two months.
Kyle: I just don't know what to do, Dad. None of the girls I date seem to be interested in a long-term relationship.
Gary: Hey son, you're a rock star. So get the show on, and get laid. Or something like that.

Ethan is upset about his body image.
Ethan: Everyone at school keeps teasing me, calling me girly and wussy.
Gary: Word to your mother.

Kyle's band was booed off the stage at a local club.
Kyle: We're never gonna make it big-time. We sucked up there last night.
Gary: I was there booing too, son. Your band just needs a little MORE COWBELL!! That should cover up your shortcomings on the bass.

Gary and Cynthia are having a serious conversation about their family's future.
Cynthia: I think we should get a divorce.
Gary: Don't go there girlfriend! Snaps
Cynthia: See, this is why!! You never take anything seriously.
Gary: Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear it no more. Snaps again

Kyle is questioning his sexuality.
Kyle:
I think I might be gay.
Gary: Life is like a box of chocolates, Kyle. You have to get a regular, wholesome, Roman Catholic piece, because you're allergic to nuts.

Cynthia is driving on the freeway with the family, on their way to Cape Cod.
Gary: STOP!!!
Cynthia slams on the brakes and pulls onto the shoulder as cars wildly swerve to avoid their 1995 Ford Taurus.
Cynthia: Why are we stopping?!?!
Gary: Hammertime.