Dumbass: Where is the non-aspirin aspirin at?

Me: Take a moment and think about the question you just asked me. Then rephrase it and ask again.

Dumbass: They don't make it do they?

Me: Please, promise me you won't reproduce and please, go cut yourself…


Dumbass: I got sinus, but I got blood preshuh. What I take?

Me: You are correct. We all have sinuses and Blood Pressure! Congratulations, you must be very pleased with yourself. Now, here's the question you really wanted to ask. "Excuse me, my good man. I'm having some sinus congestion, but my doctor told me to be weary of over-the-counter cough and cold medicines due to my problem with hypertension. What do you suggest I take?"  — Well, ma'am. I would suggest a nasal spray like Afrin (or the generic Oxymetazoline), but don't use it for more than 4-5 days otherwise it could cause what's called Rebound Congestion. This will be worse than your original problem.

Dumbass: Do you all got Sudafed? I need the little red ones…That's all that works for me.

Me: Please, go hang yourself with your underwear…


Dumbass: Which of deez work best? (pointing to the illustrious section of OTC Diet Medications)

Me: I do not recommend any of those. They are just glorified vitamins and none of them will increase your metabolism or help you to lose weight. I'd say just exercise most days of the week, eat healthier, and drink lots of water.

Dumbass: Well, if you were gonna suggest one, which one would you suggest?

Me: I've heard new studies that say taking 5,000 mg of Tylenol will really get the weight off you. I'd try that.


Dumbass: Where's the bicycle tires?

Me: Is that a new Cough Suppressant? Unless it is, I have no fucking clue.


Dumbass: What's this I hear about milking the prostate?

Me: Well, my lover does it. I tell you what, I've never had multiple orgasms before. JESUS! He milks a prostate like his playing an XBOX 360, and he's getting lots of extra games if you know what I mean. I yearn each day as I stand behind this counter for him to use me as a ventriloquist dummy. I just hope he doesn't tear my intestinal wall again…


Lady and her friend brings in Rx for 4 Zithromax 250s and 1 Levaquin 750. This is called the STD Combo of Death…You got something. We gon' fix it…

Dumbass: What's this medication for?

Me: It's for your infection.

Dumbass: What kind of infection?

Me: Well, what did you go to the doctor for? (Note: I'm sure the ER did an exam and couldn't just look at her and scream STD as I could)

Dumbass: Umm…I don't know. What's it for?

Me: Do I have permission to say in front of your friend?

Dumbass: Fo' sho'…I don't care…

Me: This combination and dose is usually given for Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Infections.

Dumbass: How you get dat?

Me: The Infection?     

Dumbass: Yeah… (Note: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?)

Me: Well, you would get it from being intimate with someone that is infected.

Friend (who's eyes lit up as she 'got' it): Giirrrrl…yo' boo done give you sumthin nass-ty!

Me: Both of you need to find a gallon of methanol and drink it. It's a warm feeling. Some may say that's because you are choking on your own blood, but I think it's probably all the happiness you've ever experienced coming back to say hello…


Dumbass: Why do the Cherry Tums work better than the Lemon?

Me: They don't. They have the exact same active ingredient in the same strength.

Dumbass: Well, when I took the Cherry they worked and when I took the lemon they didn't.

Me: You're right. The Cherry is a FAR superior product. You'd better buy 4 or 5 bottles in case they stopping making it.


Me:    ______ Pharmacy. Can I help you?

Dumbass: Do you have the number to your store on

Me: Yes…..

Dumbass: Well, you gon' give it to me?

Me: No. You can look in the phonebook or call 411 the same as I can you fucking lazy, Vicodin-seeking asshole.





Note: These are all very real questions posed to me in my Pharmacy. The answers, are of course, a little skewed. The names have been changed to protect the idiots. I still feel my naming scheme is rather adequate.

More to come in future updates…