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So you just turned 23, and working part-time as a receptionist at that dentist's office down the street just isn't quite covering your bar tab from every other night. You know that in just another year you'll graduate from that prestigious university you're attending with your major in psychology and be able to make enough to pretend you're still in college for almost forever. However, you need more instant gratification. The window of opportunity to sell your dignity is getting smaller by the day. Let's cut all the bullshit already: you've decided to become a pornstar.

Now that you have taken this step towards cashing in on what God gave you, there is only one more thing you have to do before being a full-blown industry-standard pornstar. You have to tell your parents. There's no avoiding it – if you're going to let people screw you for a living you might as well swallow the whole metaphorical load and let your creators know of your endeavors.

This is without a doubt a daunting task to say the least. However, there are plenty of tactful ways to let your parents know. I've done you the service of detailing the finer points of several of these methods, including an intuitive rating system to rank each possible scenario.

Send them a porno disguised as a home movie
All you have to do is send your parents a timely dvd in the guise of a family-friendly home movie depicting your daily activities and commemorating good times had by all. Nothing will ever surprise your dad quite like expecting a mild-mannered video of living room banter and then catching an eye full of his only daughter getting her orifices violently ravaged by some trashy guy with tattoos flowing like his nappy ponytail.



Bring a male pornstar to Christmas dinner

This is a classic. Like any self-respecting young girl your presence is almost mandatory at your families holiday functions. It's simple, just show up with the best dressed male-escort you can find for less than 30 dollars. Preferably, he should have on a bright green blazer and spandex biking shorts. Make sure hes hung like a rhino, his meat-saber should be making an uncomfortably obvious appearance through the leggings. This is essential to showing your parents how much of a cock-hound you are. The last thing you want to do is leave any shred of doubt in their mind. For bonus points, bring up awkward topics during dinner such as:

  • brands of lubrication
  • how much condoms suck
  • what creatine does to sperm counts

Remember, your main objective is to make it as blatant as possible that you are getting your snooch pounded by these filthy bald men. Go get 'em kiddo.

Say it with a cake

I think this one is pretty self-explanitory. Simply bake a cake, decorate it with the revealing porno decor of your choice, and have it delivered to them. Be sure to have it delivered, you don't want to be there when they get it. It should look a little something like this if you are successful:


Fax them a christmas list with filthy sex toys on it

Make a christmas list littered with things like double dildos, softball sized anal beads, and pocket asses. The execution on this one is nearly impossible to botch, so only use this one if you're truly prone to fucking things up. The problem with this one is it just isnt edgy enough. Just asking for sex toys may confuse and aggravate your parents, but will not necessarily assure them you are in the adult-film industry. Try to be more original next time, asshole.


Set their homepage to your profile on buttparade.com

This one isn't anything special but it shows whoever may use the computer first exactly what it is that you've been up to. While slightly on the creative side, it just isn't guarunteed to do the trick. If say, a little brother saw it first, or god forbid one of his friends, it would be varitably ruined for you. However, if you do succeed in making your parents view it, it may go something like this. Your dad sits down at the office chair to browse e-bay for antique lawnmowers. He opens his internet browser and BAM! His daughters tits flow out onto his monitor accented by flashing banners advertising animalplanetporn.com and lemonpizzaparty.net. As he flails to click the close button on the browser, he finds himself suddenly pitching a tent. Ashamed of himself, he retires to the garage to hang himself from the rafters with bungee cords.