So your roommate has his girlfriend up for the weekend and you’ve found yourself permanently sexiled for 3 days straight? Here are a few solutions to find a place to sleep.

  • Pull all the other peoples clothing out of the dryer and turn the laundry room table into a cozy nest of warm underwear and bed-t's. Don't worry if Victoria comes by looking for her secrets, you can tell her your story. She might take pity and invite you to her room to play some scrabble. Sing her some Jack Johnson and the game might switch to doctor. But probably not.

  • Fall asleep on the common room pool table. Nobody will ask questions, they'll just think you're hammered. But remember, no shoes. Otherwise you might get startled and be stabbed in the eye by a drunk frat boy with a sharpie trying to draw a giant penis on your forehead.

  • Go to the room of the beautiful girl you like and attempt to swoon her and let you stay the night. Then fail and settle for her ugly wildebeest of a roommate.

  • If you're anything like me, when you're sober you're a giant ass. However, half a bottle of scotch and 2 keg stands and you become the James Bond of drunk people. Go to a party and have some hot girl bring you home. If she asks for your number the next morning, give her your parents number. After asking for you, your mother will do the rest for you and drive her away avoiding any possibility of actually trying to talk to you afterwards.

  • If all other options fail, the ultimate fail safe is don't leave. Just stay in your room as long as possible being as repulsive as you're able. Unleash the inner animal. Call his girlfriend "bro" and give her "mad props". Turn everything into a double entendre directed towards your roommates girlfriend. "Take my weekly shower? I'd like to give her a weekly shower!" Dig through her stuff, looking for her thongs. When you find them, hold them over your head and exclaim, "Score! Butt-Floss!" After about two hours, if you did everything right, they'll both give up and move to a hotel. Or her school. Hopefully in Hawaii. Batchelor Pad, Saaaaweeeet!