Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How Notable Concerts Would Be Different If Bands Behaved More Like Their Names
August 3, 2007
Hardcore male fans nationwide are forced to question decades of masculinity as their idolized musicians drop instruments mid-show and proceed to make out with one another in passionate, homoerotic on-stage orgy. Band's face paint finally makes sense.
After members convert to Buddhism and achieve true happiness, grunge band's songs lose angst-filled, "voice of a generation" significance. Kurt Cobain trades in guitar for sitar, fills show with 20-minute Ravi Shankar covers. Teenage suicide rates skyrocket.
In a completely synchronized assault, the pop quartet violently beats and robs all 20-thousand members of Staples Center audience while lip-syncing threats and insults. Crowd leaves feeling ripped-off, yet secretly impressed with band's coordination and vocal harmony throughout attack.
Arena rock classic "The Final Countdown" is dropped from set list so that band members may discuss economic disparities between one another. Band agrees to adopt single, universal currency. Audience's anger is only slightly tempered by 3.7-percent ticket discount following new international exchange.
Fans at Nassau Colosseum show are perplexed as Young brothers spend entire concert preaching the superiority of physicist Nikola Tesla's alternating current over Thomas Edison's more popular direct current. Fans leave with impressive knowledge of late-19th-century electrical engineering, but thoroughly un-rocked.
Madison Square Garden watches on horrified as legendary singer slowly and excruciatingly eats himself.
A deviated septum renders lead singer Rivers Cuomo unable to shout titular line from "Say It Ain't So" in a single breath. Cuomo softly weeps over his respiratory ailment. Audience gives sympathetic applause.
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Are also eaten by Meat Loaf.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.