Identification: Every day is a day at the beach for Shirtless Guy, regardless of his actual coastal proximity and season. It could be winter in and still no shirt. He spends 4 hours a day in the gym and 1 in the tanning booth, and by god he is determined to allocate his other 19 possible hours of social interaction to the ultimate goal of demonstrating his greased up man chest and tribal tattoo.
Known Enemies: Haters who “only tell [them] to put their shirt on because they’re jealous”, and “No shirt, no shoes, no service” retail establishments.Personality: Guitar Guy
Identification: Words do not express the way Guitar Guy feels. Only the international language of music is sufficient to convey the depth of his being. For every occasion Guitar Guy knows the perfect Dave Mathews and/or Jack Johnson song that will be the perfect accoutrement to serve as a musical garnish to the moment.
Known Enemies: Other guitar guys who may steal the spotlight and reveal that any idiot with 2 months musical training can play “Crash (into me)”.
Personality: Long-distance Boyfriend Girl
Identification: Distance only makes the heart grow fonder for Long-distance Boyfriend Girl. She was remarkably fortunate enough to find the “one other soul who truly completes” her at the age of just 17. She is excited about celebrating her upcoming 4 month “anniversary” and has sent approximately 14,000 text messages in the past week with an impressive average of 2.3 emoticons per text.
Known Enemies: Whoever tagged that picture on Facebook of her drunkenly making out with a pre-law senior from Delta Sigma Phi named Jason by the end of welcome week.
Personality: Goes-home-every-weekend Kid
Identification: You have never and will never see Goes-home-every-weekend Kid between Friday at 2pm and Sunday at 10pm. It is unlikely you will even see them at the dining hall. They get all their meals precooked and stored in labeled Tupperware from their overbearing mother each weekend. Their dorm looks like they just popped in for overnight orientation; they have only a lap top and books in their room, and live out of a duffle bag. The only thing permanent in their life is their crippling social ineptitude. Sure they are smart and probably could have gotten into any ivy-league school they wanted, but they still have the social IQ of an 11 year old with Asperger’s syndrome, plus the ivy-league was more than 100 miles from home.
Known Enemies: Nobody, Goes-home-every-weekend Kid is the best room mate ever. It’s like you pay for a double room, but get a single! Plus they’re too non-confrontational to inquire about the questionable stains you left on their sheets last weekend.
Identification: College is what you make of it, and nobody makes more than Super Involved Kid. The female version of this personality is a professional poster maker for all 39 of the clubs to which she belongs and wants to make sure you know about every opportunity to love your school. The male version lives life in face paint and has the completely schedule to all varsity and club athletics that occur on campus or within a 250 mile radius. He painted his face this morning and teamed up with his female counterpart to make signs for the 4-26 basketball team and will spend this evening at women’s badminton doubles.
Known Enemies: Apathy, rained out field hockey games.