I can't help but notice that this Deck the Gals contest hasn't really been going as well as I'd hoped. A startling majority of submissions have featured pink, fur-trimmed Victoria's Secret Santa costumes, and frankly, ladies, they don't do justice to the wealth of creativity I know you can muster for this sort of competition. Or (let's be honest) to your asse[t]s.

I have no problem with an old-fashioned Santa hat or white, fur-trimmed thigh-highs. It's not that I'm suggesting you haven't been putting forth any effort, but I know you can do better. In case you're at a loss for ideas and are too swamped with finals to brainstorm properly, I've compiled a very short list of suggestions for ways to decorate yourselves WITHOUT going to Victoria's Secret and dropping $75 on Christmas-themed pink lingerie.

Strategically-placed Bow.  Just rip a bow off of a street lamp or a wreath or a new Lexus or your neighbor's door and affix it to your bosom.

Strategically-placed Candy Cane. I'm fairly certain that they sell giant candy canes everywhere, but just incase you can't find one, get a regular candy cane and take a picture of you pleasuring yourself (or one of your friends, if they'll let you) with it. Boys will sing your praises, and your lady parts will taste like peppermint!

Strategically-placed Gift Wrap. Get a couple of those poufy last-minute ribbon things and use their convenient self-adhesive backing to stick them to your ta-tas. Then hold a small, wrapped gift over your vajayjay to indicate that it is a special present for your special guy. Hopefully he'll give you a special present, too, like diamonds, or a puppy, or a new pair of oven mitts.

Strategically-placed Star of David. This one is for our Jewish friends. I love Jesus, so I'm not really sure where you can get a Star of David that's the right size, but if you whine long enough your daddy will probably find one for you. I know that Jewish people feel left out enough as it is, this time of year, so I wanted to include them. Plus the prize for this contest is money, and we all know how much they like that.

And finally, Wear Felt Reindeer Antlers and Pretend One of Those Light-Up Reindeer in Your Front Yard is Totally Boning You. Make sure that your face conveys that you're either really surprised or just about to climax.



Okay, girls, I hope that gets your wheels a-turning. Remember, boys started this contest because they want to pay us $100 to see us in our skivvies, so let's at least give them their money's worth.