Recently, record company RCA held a super-secret meeting with singer Christina Aguilera to plan a way to boost her image. Collegehumor’s Chris Richman hid in an air vent and recorded the whole thing.
RCA Exec: Okay, Christina, Mike, I’m only gonna say this once. We need something to get Christina’s name back out there. Something big.
Christina’s Manager: I completely agree. Something real big. Just so Christina knows, something like what?
RCA Exec: Britney’s in the news for showing her goodies. Paris releases a sex tape. Lindsay Lohan waves her boobs around like she’s at a Middle-Eastern street market. Christina, you’re slipping as a nationally recognized name.
Christina: My record is doing—
RCA Exec: Screw the record! We need a promotion. Something big—
Manager: Huge.
RCA Exec: —To get your name back out there. Janet Jackson had her nipple poking out at a million people, for Christ’s sake! What do we have? A commercial for a phone?
Manager: Great commercial, Tina, by the way.
RCA Exec: So here’s what I’m thinking. What do all these other girls have in common to get them into the news?
Manager: They’re all trash?
RCA Exec: No! Christina?
Christina: I was gonna say they’re all trash, too.
RCA Exec: No! Sex! Sex sells. Come on! It’s a fact of life!
Christina: So what, you want me to show off my poonany?
RCA Exec: No. We need to top Britney. This isn’t Coke vs. Pepsi again, Christina. This is 2006.
Manager: What are you suggesting, exactly?
RCA Exec: Okay, here me out. Janet flashed Mr. John Q. Public while performing with Justin Timberlake. Britney showed her C-section scar while hanging out with Paris. We need a collaboration mixed with sex. Something big. Tell me: what does the name Stevie Wonder mean to you?
Manager: Oh, he’s great.
Christina: He is a huge influence—
RCA Exec: How would you like to screw him during a live performance?
RCA Exec: Huh? Huh? Is that great, or what?
Manager: I’m not sure if that would work.
RCA Exec: Yeah, you’re right. We need to go bigger. How about—
Christina: You know I’m married, right?
RCA Exec: Small detail. How about you…have sex with a horse during a performance?
A horse?
RCA Exec: Better yet, a horse owned by Stevie Wonder! We can put sunglasses on it and everything! You can do it while Stevie sings “Superstition!”
Manager: I think maybe Christina should stick to commercials if—
RCA Exec: Okay, fine, fine. She can promote something too. How about if…the horse wears a condom? A Trojan! He can be the Trojan Horse! Oh, this is perfect.
Christina: You’re saying like, a horse. A real horse.
RCA Exec: Yeah! A fucking horse! Imagine! You’ll be all over the news, your record will sell like crazy, and you’ll have beaten that whore Britney at her own sleazy game. How about it?
Manager and Christina: …We’ll do it.