Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Nintendo Headquarters - 1984
August 7, 2007
Yamauchi: Gentlemen, I gathered you here to invent Nintendo's signature character for our new line of games. As you know the video game industry suffered a horrendous crash last year. Now is Nintendo's time to strike! We shall not leave this room until we settle upon an answer. Oshima, you're first.
Oshima [After dramatic pause]: Boss, I have a most ingenious idea. It is a game about a hedgehog who can run super fast.
Oshima holds up a board with a crudely drawn blue hedgehog on it.
Oshima: I call him Sonic. In order to win each level you must collect magical rings and free trapped animals from the evil Dr. Robotnik.
Yamauchi: I'll not have Nintendo represented by a filthy rodent. How could we possibly market such vermin to children?
Oshima: But boss, isn't it true that children love furry animals?
Yamauchi: Oshima, you disgrace the name of your family with your outlandish thinking. Hang your head in shame. Tezuka, what on earth are you sketching there?
Tezuka [Sweating]: Well, uh, okay, I was thinking a game where the main character is a marble.
Tezuka: No, no, but you control the marble through several levels.
Yamauchi: A marble representing Nintendo? Foolishness. I'd rather have Oshima's rodent than your silly marble. Besides, I have heard rumors of Atari already planning a marble-themed game this year. I was told you two are the best and brightest. What am I paying you people for?
Tezuka: Uh, well, then how about two soldiers fighting an alien invasion on an island?
Oshima: Yes! We could even make them have special weapons. Like a machine gun, or a gun that shoots a spray of bullets.
Tezuka: And a laser gun! Yeah, it'd be like the Contra raids in Nicaragua that are all the rage now.
Yamauchi: Another stupid idea. Miyamoto, please tell me you have something worthwhile to add.
Miyamoto: Well I was thinking, you know that Italian plumber Mario in Donkey Kong?
Yamauchi: You mean Jump Man?
Miyamoto: Sorta. Well, what if instead of him trying to rescue the princess from a giant ape he must rescue that very same princess from a dragon.
Yamauchi: Go on your thoughts intrigue me.
Miyamoto: Not only that, but if he eats a mushroom he gets bigger. But if he eats a flower he can spit fireballs. And he has other enemies called goombas too, which he can only defeat by stepping on them.
Oshima and Tezuka glance at one another mystified.
Oshima: But Yamauchi, is it not ironic to have a short portly Italian character represent a Japanese company?
Tezuka: And what of the obvious parallels to hallucinogenic mushrooms?
Yamauchi: Silence fools! Did you not hear the part about spitting fireballs? You would both do well to learn from Miyamoto.
Oshima and Tezuka stand, looking very solemn.
Oshima: In that case, I resign my position. I will seek work at Sega Enterprises.
Tezuka: I too resign, and will work for Konami.
Yamauchi: Ha! Sega the pinball maker? And Konami, the maker of jukeboxes? Good luck peddling your furry little rodent and your contra men, gentlemen. Mark my words Oshima and Tezuka, you shall both taste bitter defeat.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.