Each time I log onto MySpace I noticed a section on the homepage entitled “Cool New People.” It appears to be some means for new MySpace people to start spreading the word early about their coolness. This seems like a decent idea, but I couldn’t help but observe that several of the people who appear in the “Cool New People” section are actually not that cool at all. Instead some of these people look more like imposters of cool trying to deceive gullible members into becoming their friend and ultimately contaminating MySpace with a massive pseudo-cool vibe that can quickly destroy legitimately cool people (like me) in seconds. They must be stopped. Here are a few of the fraudulent profiles appearing on MySpace daily:

First up we have JZ. Oooh…Clever name dog. cleva! I guess by choosing the name “JZ” this guy is suggesting that some cracker-ass from Kansas with a fohawk is the equivalent to a black rapper from Brooklyn. I don’t think so. Also JZ has chosen to remind visitors to his profile that he is in fact “Wichita’s Hottest New Bachelor!” That doesn’t seem like that great of a feat considering that Kansas has like 12 people in the entire state. Maybe he’s the hottest new bachelor among the livestock. Jesus Christ, you know this guy probably keeps some Rufinol handy in case of emergencies. JZ’S STATUS: NOT COOL.

Besides immediately noticing Aaron’s crazed demon-eyed death stare that looks like he’s attempting to control your mind so he can rape you, there has to be some attention given to Aaron’s somewhat roguish philosophy for living life: “I don’t give a Fuck, I do what I want.” The people that write this kind of stuff are the same people who get tattoos of the Tasmanian Devil on their calf and think Natural Ice is the best beer ever. Seriously Aaron, try giving a fuck every once in a while; then maybe you can stop having those Ultimate Fighting Championship get-togethers where you constantly high five your friends and discuss porn. AARON’S STATUS: NOT COOL.

This is Erica and although it’s not visible in the above picture she has decided to put a Lord of the Rings poster as the background for her profile. Women and Lord of the Rings are not a good match; particularly when they start incorporating Lord of the Rings themes into their personal lives. You know that if you ever got a chance to stop by Erica’s apartment for some special Pokemon card game tournament (Erica loves Pokemon! They’re so cute!) she’s gonna have like those authentic replicas of Elvish swords on her wall or she walks around in a cloak or something. Oh and by the way Erica I can safely say on behalf of all MySpace members: no we’re not glad you’re back. Go away. ERICA’S STATUS: NOT COOL.

Okay…Manny is actually cool. He took a picture of himself with a python around his neck. Python around the neck is a universal symbol of cool. MANNY’S STATUS: PYTHON AROUND THE NECK COOL.

It looks like Whitney’s a good ol’ gal who likes to enjoy the Camilla, Georgia nightlife by spending hours and hours at redneck karaoke bars and taking numerous shots of Apple Pucker to help her sing the Garth Brooks smash hit “Friends in Low Places.” I’m actually more concerned about Whitney’s male companion in the photo seeing as that he’s decided to wear camouflage hunting gear for a night on the town. Here’s a clue dude: HUNTING GEAR IS MEANT TO BE WORN WHILE YOU’RE HUNTING DOUCHE BAG. Way to pick ‘em Whitney. WHITNEY AND HER MAN’S STATUS: NOT COOL.

Again with the inappropriate use of camouflage. What do you think if you wear camouflage you suddenly appear mysterious? I’m guessing however that this guy is actually trying to disguise himself from someone or something: most likely he’s hiding from the authorities because he has the potential to attach bombs to school buses. And in addition to giving off the serial bomber vibe, how cool can someone be when they can’t even spell their own name right? CRHIS’S STATUS: UNABOMBER NOT COOL.

Finally we have “Big E.” Why is that white guys think if they give themselves rapper nick-names it’s like an instant ascension to the heaven of cool? Just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you’re like Biggie Smalls dumbass. It just means that you get excited when you find out that the McRib is back on the McDonald’s menu. And look out ladies! Big-E has proclaimed himself to be “One Smexy Mamma Jamma.” Is “smexy” a nice word people use in Wisconsin to describe impotent bald fat┬ádudes who sit around watching Family Guy and eating entire bags of Taco Doritos? Just wondering. BIG-E’S STATUS: DISGUSTINGLY FAT NOT COOL.

All right I’m done talking about these blatantly uncool people. But I hope you learned something from my report: I hope you learned that I am cooler than any of these people. I can’t wait to pick up my new python.