Take this advice with a grain of salt (and a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila)…

One semester down in this school year and only one more to go until the extended frat party that is summer vacation. Let’s hope that despite your best efforts (i.e. waking up when the sun goes down, clouding your mind with malted hops and bong resin) you were able to attend a few classes, remain enrolled in your respective school, and maybe even learn a thing or two. But college is not all about classroom learning, there are life lessons to be learned as well. Here are five things that you should have learned (or re-learned for those of you who used the previous summer vacation as a mind eraser) during your first semester (back) at college.


9 AM Classes Are Really Ridiculously Early And Nearly Impossible To Attend

We all know the thought process when you were initially signing up for classes: “Well, I had to be in at school at  7:30 in high school, so 9 will be like sleeping in. I can get all my classes over by noon and have the entire afternoon off.” That would be true, except that high school didn’t usually include watching re-runs of Flavor of Love at 2:30 am while taking shots every time New York calls someone a “Ho” and then passing out on the beanbag of a girl from your Survey of Biology class on the opposite side of campus from where all your belongings are (the abyss otherwise known as your room). And instead of doing your work during your afternoons “off” you are more likely to pass out in a chair in the library while dreaming about your Stats T.A. who you’re convinced has a massive crush on you. You lose all concept of time in college, and getting to bed before 3:00 actually becomes a goal that will rarely be accomplished. Be smart; nothing before 11 and night classes are good because they are usually only once a week and you might actually be bored enough by then to attend them.



Visit Whatever Your School Has That May Resemble A Gym


You know that hot girl in your calculus class? The one with the amazing ass that looks phenomenal in those girly track/sweat pants she wears on alternating Tuesdays? With your school name printed right across both butt cheeks? Now, see that muscular dude who has all the charisma of an oscillating fan sitting next to her? Know why he’s there? That’s right, he has an enormous penis. But also, he knows what the inside of your school’s recreation facilities look like. In high school you didn’t need to work out because you actually were at school walking around and off your couch for more than 3 hours a day. You enjoyed varsity sports, theatre; even marching band members got more daily exercise than you do now. The closest you now come to an athletic field is a beirut table, and the only acting you do is sneaking past your RA’s “acting” like you’re not hammered or stoned out of your mind. This is to not even talk of the fact that you have doubled your caloric intake and regularly make a meal out of Ring Dings, Peanut M&M’s, Twinkies, and a 6 pack. The Freshman 15 has long passed you bye and you are now trying to prevent the Freshman 50. If you don’t want to return home in 5 months resembling a young John Goodman then I suggest taking a hike (hey, that burns calories too) to your school’s gym. Your scale, and the person who bunks below you, will thank me.


Everything That Is In Your Room Is Community Property, Get Used To It
You were the one who came in all prepared to outfit your college dorm room. You had your X-Box 360, a microwave, a mini-fridge, a kick-ass computer and the best 35 inch flat-screen TV you could get. By the end of the semester your microwave was covered in sauce, cheese, and a healthy layer of mold. Your mini-fridge was full of things you definitely did not remember buying, your computer had websites in its history like “My First Donkey Fuck.Com” and you had already replaced 2 X-Box controllers. Don’t forget the time you came back to your room and found your roommate watching Poison Ivy: The New Seduction on your TV with the volume all the way up and the door wide open. "Soft-core porn is so much better in surround sound," he says. Get used to it. Whatever you bring to/acquire at college becomes not only your property but the property of anyone that knows you. Books, IPods, blankets, tennis rackets, and especially CD’s and DVD’s are going to be borrowed and undoubtedly broken, or in all likelihood disappear all together. Cherish your collection of DMB bootleg CDs? Then sure as hell do not bring them with you to college.If you return with half of the property you initially brought to school consider yourself fortunate. Also know that there are no boundaries really when it comes to the whole idea of college sharing. Booze, toilet paper, toothbrushes and even condoms are fair game if you are not using them at the time when someone you know has a pressing need. But don’t forget, everyone is borrowing/stealing your stuff, so feel free to shop for what you need in their rooms, and pick yourself up something nice.



Doing Laundry Regularly Is An Expensive Albeit Wise Investment

Believe it or not my brother once had a roommate who made it an entire semester without doing a single load of laundry. Instead, he Febreezed his clothes after every use. Needless to say, people noticed. The sweet pungent mix of body odor and Febreeze is a smell that stings the nostrils and leaves a less than desirable impression upon the people you meet. Laundry seems like a waste of time because it takes up a good couple hours when you could be doing something much more important (like seeing how many beers it takes to fuck up the cat your buddy snuck into his room). But everyone who hangs out within a 25 foot radius of you will appreciate the fact that you’re not wearing your “favorite shirt” for the 8th time in a row without washing it. Want to get laid? Do laundry. Want to have any reputation around campus that doesn’t include the phrase “smelly kid”? Do laundry. Want to eventually make a move on that T.A. who obviously has a crush on you (she gave you an A and you didn’t even read the book!)? Do laundry. As laundry builds up, it tends to make other things smell, like your room. And there are few things worse than walking into a friend’s room and having it smell like his sweaty ball sack because he has a stack of clothes covering his bed that includes gym shorts he hasn’t washed in 2 months. Cleanliness is only next to godliness, so wash your clothes you ungodly smelly freak. Or at least go to Church. (Note: Bathe regularly as well.)

Finals Are Called Finals For A Reason – They're Final

They are your final chance to pull up that grade you’ve been slacking on all semester. Your final chance to avoid getting booted from your dream school (or at least your safety). And you’re final chance to avoid having your parents scream “What did I just spend 35,000 dollars on?” Use them wisely. No longer is it as easy as it was in high school, when finals consisted of cupcake questions on books and concepts you had covered to death in a class that was mandatory to attend. You may have a missed a class or two in college (or 12 or 13). Guess what? That doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for the material, there are no “make-up finals” and rarely the opportunity for extra credit that involves you making something out of poster board, pipe cleaners, and a googily eye or two. These things generally matter, and often make up 50% of your final grade; which is great for people who slacked, but terrible for so called “bad test takers.” No matter who you are, no matter how much you followed along in class, the pre-final all-nighter is generally a good idea. Just be careful not to shut your eyes for that quick second and wake up 7 hours later on your couch sporting morning wood with page 5 of your text book collecting drool under your chin. In such an emergency I suggest stuffing a page or two of your most important notes into your shoe, grabbing a bottle of Imodium AD (do not ingest, it is just a prop), and pulling the old “explosive diarrhea” routine on your professor. Few are going to argue with you as you race to the bathroom during the exam, especially when you already smell like shit because someone “borrowed” your deodorant, the extra weight you’ve put on is making you sweat profusely and you haven’t done your laundry in over a month.