Aunt: So, your little cousin is really growing up.
You: She sure is.
Aunt: Only 15, and looking like a woman.
You: Yep.
Aunt: I didn't have breasts like that when I was 15.
You: Okay then.
Uncle: You still don't have breasts like that, Charlene.
Aunt: Let's not do this here, Tom.
You: It sure is unseasonably warm.
Aunt: Have you noticed? Her breasts? You must have noticed.
You: I didn't really –
Uncle: He noticed. While we were opening gifts… he noticed.
You: No, come on, I…
Aunt: I guess I'm just not ready for her to grow up.
You: I understand.
Aunt: Can I ask you a private question, if you'll keep it between us?
You: Oh look, pigs-in-blankets.
Aunt: (whispering) I think she's having sex. How do I know?
You: What?
Uncle: God knows we aren't.
Aunt: Let's not do this here, Tom.
You: Yeah, why don't we –
Aunt: Can I read her diary?
You: I don't think –
Aunt: I read her diary. She says "I don't trust my mom."
You: I can't imagine why.
Aunt: With the sex… is there a noise, or a smell, to look for?
Uncle: You're going to look for a smell, Charlene?
Aunt: Tom, I'm having an affair.
You: I have to go put the lights on the ham.