We all love Christmas carols.  Most of them are actually pretty good, and even the ones that suck don’t seem so bad because they remind us of that sweet day where we get awesome G.I Joe's and video games and other cool stuff.  But have you ever actually stopped and thought about what the lyrics to some of these songs suggest? Unfortunately, in order to protect young children from bad influences, there are a few Christmas songs that need to be banned:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

This song actually has some good advice for kids, telling them they “better be nice”. But is it really necessary to tell them that they “better not cry”? What’s that, Little Johnny? You’re dog just died? Well you better not cry, or Santa is taking that Nintendo Wii right out from under your Christmas tree. And what’s this about how Santa “sees you when you’re sleeping”? How creepy is that? Santa is a bearded old dude who creeps into people’s houses and offers toys to little children. All he needs is some long fingernails and he would be the classic image of a pedophile. Do you feel comfortable knowing that this guy is watching you while you sleep, trying to determine if you’re “naughty boy”?   

We Wish You a Marry Christmas
Some carolers stopped by my house the other night (yes, I live in New England) and sang this song for us. It starts off very amicably: “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year”. Pretty good, I thought, until they started on the second verse: “Oh bring us some figgy pudding, Oh bring us some figgy pudding, Oh bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.” Wow, you guys are demanding. I would like to help you out, but unfortunately I don’t know what the hell figgy pudding is. Last verse: We won’t go until we get some, We won’t go until we get some, We won’t go until we get some so bring some out here.” Are you guys serious? Now you’re just being rude.  I never invited you here, and now you refuse to leave until I give in to your terrorist demands. Well I’m not going to.  If things escalate and we have to throw hands, I’m pretty confident you guys won’t be good at fighting because: a) you’re carolers; b) most of you are wearing neck warmers; and c) you eat figgy pudding

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
: Hooray for Rudolph! He saved Christmas!  Kids, don’t you see how even a freak of nature can win friends as long as he proves useful? Who cares that this song blatantly tells us that everyone used to hate Rudolph and exclude him from Reindeer Games because of a physical defect that he can’t control? What a great message this story sends to kids! To those with physical defects: tired of not having friends? Well you better accomplish something pretty sweet, like save Christmas (or something at least as impressive). To kids without physical defects: go ahead and keep making fun of freaks, just make sure to shout out with glee if they save your ass.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
Running out of present ideas before the big day? How about getting that special someone eight slaves? That’s what this Christmas carol seems to suggest as an appropriate gift. Who doesn’t want eight maids a milking? Sounds like a good time to me. Or you could always go with “Nine Ladies Dancing” (strippers). In all seriousness though, this carol should not be taken literally. When I was seven my mom got so mad at me when I went to my neighbor’s barn and stole three French hens to use a Christmas gifts. 

The Little Drummer Boy
We get it. You’re poor and you have no gift to bring that’s fit to give the King. But of all the gifts you could have thought up, what made you believe that playing a drum was a good present. I mean, for Christ’s sake, couldn’t you have just found a rock and painted it and given it as a paperweight? If you want to go the music route that’s fine, but you have to at least get a recorder and learn how to play “Hot Crossed Buns” or something like that. Stop giving people the impression that banging a drum in the ears of a new born baby is a good idea.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
So this kid catches his mom having an illicit affair with another man, and he’s not fazed at all. In fact, he feels inclined to sing a joyous song about his mom’s infidelity. What’s more messed up: the fact that mommy is “tickling” another man, or the fact that this kid is having tons of fun creeping and peeping on his mom making out with a hairy, fat, old guy?

~Happy holidays everyone.