Setting: A small cafe. You sit there, nursing a hangover with a cup of black coffee. Your inner rapist enters and sits across from you

RAPIST: Wild night, I see.

YOU: Ugh. Don’t even get me started.

RAPIST: Hey man, I was only there to help.

YOU: Shut up! You were not. Every time I drink, you appear. Why can’t you just leave me alone?

RAPIST: I’ll leave you alone when you start taking my advice.

YOU: Your advice? Are you serious? You’re the one who told me to buy roofies. You’re the one who said “ No means yes”. I’ve gotten slapped so many times thinking that was true. Just stay away from me, rapist.

RAPIST: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. I would never rape a girl…unless she said no.

YOU: You’re disgusting!

RAPIST: I just want what’s best for you. Everyone has to work to hook up. Some harder than others. I’m just trying to make it easy for you. So, next time you’re at a party, don’t be so self-conscious, listen to what she says, and always use protection.

YOU: Wow rapist, you really lightened up.

RAPIST: Yeah, and then when she says stop or no or don’t, smash her head with a blunt object, preferably a lamp or brick.

YOU: I knew you’d never change.

RAPIST: Dude, I’m your inner rapist. What’d you expect?

Just then, a HOT GIRL you’ve always wanted to hook up with passes. She notices you.

HOT GIRL: Hey! How are you? You have fun last night?

YOU: Oh yeah. Hell of a time.

RAPIST: (Whispering) Smash her head with a brick! C’mon! Get that nut!

HOT GIRL: So, what are you doing tonight?

RAPIST makes blowjob gestures with his hands and mouth

YOU: Um, I don’t really know.

RAPIST: Fucking do it man. It’s been awhile since you fucked.

HOT GIRL: Well, you can come over my house. I’m having a little get-together.

RAPIST: Oh yeah! Rape that bitch!

YOU: (To Rapist) I’m not going to rape her!

HOT GIRL: What? Who are you talking to? Ugh. Stay away from me.

HOT GIRL exists

RAPIST: Dude? Why did you say that out loud? You never TELL a girl you’re going to rape them.

YOU: Fuck off.