New Year's Eve is almost upon us once again, which can mean only one thing – going out to all the sweet bars in your hometown with your sweet friends who you totally still like and didn't get really gay when they joined that totally sweet frat at [State] State Community. Sweet.

Well, if you're going to survive this night with no arrests or pregnancies or anything involving your anal cavity, you're going to need some advice. And not the advice your dad would give you (which I'll give 2 to 1 odds is "Why don't you stay home and play Scrabble with your little brother and I?"). So forget that crappy bar or party scene, because you're cool enough to do your own thing.

With this in mind, I present my fantasmagorical advice on how to rock out on New Year's Eve.

-Don't plan anything ahead of time
As I'm sure you know, you can't make a good time, it just has to happen. Therefore, you should make absolutely no plans to do anything on New Year's Eve until, at most, 20 minutes before you're ready to go out. If anyone asks you what you're doing on New Year's, scoff at them. If they asked why you scoffed at them, fight them. Trust me, he or she (preferably she…you want to win the fight, don't you?) will be grateful for having their eyes opened. If anyone invites you to a party, like your best friend Evan for example, tell him you had sex with his little sister when you were home last summer. Expound at length on the benefits derived from date-raping high school freshmen. You'll show that party-having bastard.

-Be too drunk to function by 9 pm at the latest
I recommend shots of vodka chased with shots of whiskey chased with Natty Lite. Everyone knows the point of New Years is to get blasted, so obviously the only way you will have more fun than anyone else is if you're more drunk than anyone else. See where I'm going with this? You should not remember anything past 10 pm. If you do, you are a loser, and I can't help you. Just go. And don't you dare get your parking validated on my fucking dime on your way out, you fucking gypsy. (Ed note: Sorry gypsies. Do gypsies have computers? Whatever, sorry, maybe.)

-Call your friends
Try your ex-girlfriend first. Drunkenly slur something about getting back together because you love her sooooo much, and inquire as to her whereabouts. She will yell something about being at her school for the night and then something about offering to hang out with you earlier that week and you slapping her around. Hang up, this isn't going to be pretty. Move on to your friend, who is most likely named Dave. He never went to school, but he does have a pretty boss job as a garbageman for the city (the word "boss" is now back in). He will invite you to come hang out at the tattoo parlor with a couple of guys from work. Grab your bottle(s) and get in the car. Keep your thumbs at 10 and 2 on the wheel and you'll get there fine.

-???
You'll wake up alone in an alley fifteen blocks from where you may or may not have killed a dog and then ran into a telephone pole. You will be covered in vomit and blood that isn't yours. Panic. Run the six miles back to your parent's house, take a shower and hide under the covers. Ask your dad to go get your car for you; give him the best directions you can, which will leave him a small 30-block area to search. Promise to play Scrabble that night in exchange. Pray.

-Lie
To everyone. Lie to your friends about how much fun you had, lie to your parents about how responsible you were, lie to the cops about that dog (which turned out to be a seeing-eye dog donated to a poor blind man by a charity, but he was a mutt, so no big loss). Admit nothing to anybody and hide in your room until you go back to school. Next, lie to your school friends. You may have to lie to school officials as well; accuse them of being racist and hating you because you're black, even though you're German-Irish. Nosy racists.

Great! Now nobody can tell you you didn't have the best New Year's Eve ever. Take some time to recover so you can ride this rollercoaster of fun next year. Heh. More like BONE rollercoaster of fun, am I right? I'm so right.