Normal Person: Have you heard about the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell feud?

Dane Cook: Dude, they need to chill out! It's SUCH a nothing fight!

Normal Person: Did you hear about the German woman who faked her own kidnapping to avoid going to work?

Dane Cook: No way! What a silly BITCH!

Normal Person: Dane, why are you shouting at me?

Dane Cook: It's just WHAT I DO, bro!



Normal Person: Alright, well I gotta go pick my daughter up from school.

Dane Cook: Know what you should do? Run up to her, yell at her, and push her ice cream cone into her FACE.

Normal Person: What? That doesn't even make any— Why are you just reciting bits from your standup routine?

Dane Cook: It's the only thing I know.

Normal Person: Well if you're doing your standup, why aren't there any punchlines?

Dane Cook: I don't have any, which is why I rely on my handsome good looks and jumping around like a spider monkey to always have a successful set.

Normal Person: Well, we've all heard the same bits a million times, Dane.

Dane Cook: I know.

Normal Person:
So aren't you going to come up with any new material?

Dane Cook: Geez, you're kind of a Sour Apple today, aren't you? I should stab you in the jaw because the only good Jolly Rancher flavor is—

Normal Person: Seriously, just stop.

Dane Cook: Someone SHIT on the COATS!

Normal Person: I'm leaving.

Dane Cook: Hang on, I want to do my impression of a car alarm!!