Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Dick in a Box For Dummies
December 31, 2006
Okay, step one is cut a..or is it put my junk whew, that's a lot of steps! If you're drunker than Nick Nolte in Thailand, or if you're name is George W.Bush, Dick in a Box can be very confusing. Here is an expansive supplementary guide with some helpful tips to help you finesse the the classic Dick in a Box to success.
Step 1: Cut a hole in a box.
Boxes are generally square-shaped objects that can be found in abundance at your local supermarket for free. Just ask the dude with hairy arms bagging groceries. He will be able to direct you to a place in the back of the store where boxes can be found. He may also tell you where you can score some blow "like, so good you'll forget who you are, man," so be sure to pay close attention.
Boxes can also be purchased with money at places like Office Max or Staples. You will want to request one of the store associates to help you put the box together, as they are generally sold in a flattened state and will need to be put into box form. Make sure box is square by comparing it to other square-like objects.
To make your hole in the side of the box, you will want to cut in a circular pattern, preferably with scissors or some other kind of cutting instrument. If possible, use a quarter to trace a circle on the outside of your box. (Note: if you are African-American, you may want to use a 50 cent piece to trace your hole.) Finally, be sure to discard the cut piece of cardboard into the proper receptacle.
Step 2: Put your junk in that box.
"Junk" refers to your penis.
Be sure to undo your pants by pulling down the zipper first. You will need to loosen and/or remove your belt as well.
Next, you will need an erection. An erection can be obtained rather easily if you are 18-35. You will need some adult materials such as a pornographic magazine or a computer with internet connection to access x-rated websites. If those materials are not readily available, you may also try using your hand and rubbing your junk vigorously to sustain arousal. (Note: Do not rub too much, or else you may spoil your box and need to create another).
If you are older than 35 you will need a hooker present to assist you in obtaining an erection. This hooker should be dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl and know how to perform a headstand in the toilet as that is all that gets you going at this point.
Finally, insert erect penis through hole in box so that your member is hidden inside the box. Make sure lid is fitted snugly on top of box.
Step 3: Make her open that box.
"Her" should always be associated with your girlfriend, wife or fuck buddy (same difference). Never associate "her" with your mom, sister, grandmother, or a man.
"The box" is the same box in which you have just inserted your penis. You will need to hold the box as you approach your girlfriend or else box may slip off and thus ruin the surprise for her. Be sure to act casual, as though you are just carrying a box filed with presents, instead of your junk.
You will want to approach your girlfriend in a friendly manner to avoid any kind of alarm. She will be curious to find out why you are holding a box and what may be in that box. Her curiosity should be enough to lead her to want to open that box. But if not, try using phrases like, "Would you like to see what's in this box?" or "Oh, hi [insert name], I have a surprise gift for you in this box. Open it."
Congratulations, you've finessed to success!
You will know you have achieved success when your girlfriend opens the box and discovers your erect member waiting inside. Studies have shown that the Dick in the Box has yielded many spontaneous joyous occasions known as "quickies." If you encounter a quickie, will need to remove box from around penis. It is recommended that you save box for future use. If family or friends discover box and inquire, to save any potential awkward moments, be sure to tell them it is a new type of mouse trap you are inventing.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.