Am I wasting my time at film school? No. Don’t ask me that. Send more money. Wait, you’re not my parents
Ah yes, I can see that you are someone who is a kindred spirit, someone who would appreciate my vision. For you see I have planned out—in my head, I have conceived the greatest film ever. Ever. Ever ever? Ever ever.
Tarantino will direct
No wait, actually—yeah no, there will be a series of directors — Raimi, Nolan
er, Hitchcock — and Tarantino will be a special guest director. OK, no he won’t, but he will see it and write a very nice article about it
How ‘bout he’ll see some dailies and make an ambivalent noise like “mrrm?” Anyway, it’ll come with his seal of approval, you’ll see. We’ll put that on the DVD cover. Blu-Ray.
Who is the star? Um. People. Loads of them. Yeah, there will be so many names in it, that, like, there’s no discerning who the star is. The only way to determine it will be based on screen time so that makes the star
like, Oprah Winfrey as Herself / Queen Morphea I think. It’ll be awesome. Oh yeah, Sean Connery’s in it too. Yeah, he said he retired, didn’t he? Well, guess what? James Brown’s in it too. He’s dead! Also Bogie. Yep. Necromanced. For me.
Plot? Crap. Uhhhhh
well, that’s a bit in the air right now. Like pizza dough. You like pizza, right? Sure, everybody loves pizza! See, we’re friends again—don’t go! OK, I have some elements to the plot ready. Check this bad larry out:
First scene. Bang. Dykes. Hotter than that Tanya Chalkin poster. Hotter than the goddamn sun. There’s a blond one and a black one. Stylistic, right? Like ying and yang and shit. Also they’re on so much X, that it’s the only way to tell them apart, what with all the limbs and sex flying around in the air. Did I mention that? Yeah, it’s skydiving lezzes. Four tits. Four thousand feet. Forget about it.
My movie’s gonna make Bullitt look like My Little Pony with this chase scene. Believe it. It’s gonna just get bigger and badder and ballser. It’s starts—get this—it starts with them just thinking at each other, real fast-like. And then they run. NO! Speedwalk, with like the flitty arms and everything. And, right, so anyway they end up in jets. Jets. NO! One is in a ultrasonic jet that’s painted hot pink (from the Gay Air Force), the other is riding Santa’s sleigh, backwards down the LA freeway, drawn by eleven white tigers all hopped up on meth. Super Meth from, like, Jupiter. Right. And there’s this third guy and he’s a ghost and just running in and out of people and things and at one point he’s a building just running. Sweet Jesus, this is gonna be so clutch.
Over the top! Gonna make Sam Jackson blush and Hilary Clinton’s vagina explode! Pow! So much swearing! Oh my god! There’s gonna be just, like, extras walking down the street with, like, “CUNT” on their hats. Babies even. The guy’s gonna say stuff like “Shit, I fucking love goddamn you, eagletits!” and she’ll be like, “Christ on a cunt! Me too, bitch!” And we’re even gonna make up new swears for this bitch! Ever hear the word “draccane?” Well, after this movie, you’ll never hear it again. Even on satellite radio. Damn.
Man oh man, there’s gonna be so much sad shit that, like, emo twelve-year-old girls are gonna watch this movie and come out and grow up to be, like, senators and stuff. Like, there’s this brooding guy and he wears like half-ass clown makeup like The Crow, and his clothes are all this ripped-up black shit like Scissorhands, and he has this boss trenchcoat like Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. He’s gonna be on backpacks forever. I think his name’s gonna be like Darrrrk or something. Anyway he’s got all this crazy inner turmoil and a back story that’s, like, totally Watchmen-worthy. Also — spoiler alert — at the end he slits his wrists
with his own tears.
Considering we’re gonna make, like, the GNP of France on this thing, we really don’t have to make toys and crap, but yeah we will. Gonna be hats, shirts, jeans, belts—did I say belts? I mean, we’re gonna bring back the codpiece! Big as hell, with, like, tiny words on it so people will have to get all close to your junk to read it. Awesome. And this is gonna be the first movie to have it's own line of speedboats. It's OK, we're gonna have to blow up like a thousand of them for the movie itself, so we'll just keep the factory. Also there’s gonna be action figures and maquettes and sex dolls for all of—ALL OF—the primary, secondary, and tertiary characters. Tetratiary and quinciary characters only get maquettes and tee shirts.
OK, so this movie is called
right, I can’t pronounce it because the whole thing is in this new language we’re producing based on Esperanto. But it’s pretty badass. No, that’s what it’s called: pretty badass. Lowercase! Like some e. e. cummings shit! Also, I need seven point four trillion dollars.
You ran away. Damn it.
And I didn’t even tell you about the soundtrack which includes new music by The Beatles and