You don't know why the pizza delivery guy brings you a pizza every night. You didn't call. So what if it just happens to be your favorite toppings from your favorite restaurant? You only pay the delivery boy because you feel sorry he got the wrong number, and now you have to eat the pizza. It's called being considerate, and you shouldn't feel bad.

You'll go to the gym next week. You have way too much stuff to do this week. You have homework, tests, going to class, work, and hanging out with friends who also have too much stuff to do. You probably won't have that much stuff to do next week. In fact, you're sure of it. Actually, next week isn't looking too empty either. Maybe next month.

It'd be stupid to walk all the way to class after you just bought new clothes. Your shoes could get scuffed, and then you'd look like an idiot. Besides, the hallways are long, and you do have two classes, so that pretty much equals a mile of walking, right? Besides, there's someone you'd really like to sleep with, and everyone knows sex burns a lot of calories. So what if you've been having sex for years, it's a long-term diet.

You don't like the people at the gym. It's okay, no one does. It's not because they're in better shape or they make you look bad, its because they're ugly or maybe they smell. You could run circles around them. You know it, and that's all that matters. You don't need to prove it to anyone, you rebel.

You just took a shower, and you heard there was a hot water shortage. If your friends didn't hear about it, laugh at them and then change the subject. They don't need to know that showering, exercising, and showering again is more work than you've done all semester. I think the important thing here is that you're saving the hot water so that other people can go to the gym. You're still better than them, and you can prove you're a "bigger man" by letting them have the water and sacrificing your work out.

No one likes the food you have to eat on a diet, so why should you? Besides, its just one Nacho De Grande from Taco Bell. What will it hurt? It's been at least three days since you had Arby's, and you've walked to class, had sex, showered twice, and still managed to save hot water. You owe it to yourself to eat something you like. It's just one meal. Besides, tomorrow night won't count, because that's a date and nothing unhealthy counts during dates. Its almost mandatory to go out to eat.

You have nothing better to do, might as well have some ice-cream. Everyone knows that popcorn, ice-cream, or a disgusting combination of both is okay as long as you're watching a movie or sulking over the fact that this week's love interest didn't notice you staring during class. If you can't sleep, its okay to eat something small in large doses. You don't know what happened to the brand new box of poptarts, and blame someone else for misplacing them.

You're having a salad, that's a good step up. Except you hate the taste of leaves in your bowl, but so does everyone else. They've created a simple solution to that. Salad dressing. Except one tastes like ass, the other smells like your socks. So add a little of both and hope they cancel each other out. Furthermore, add some sugar. The important thing is to remember to tell everyone you had a salad. Everyone must know you had a salad.

You're cool. An important part of being cool is to drink beer. Everyone knows that. Yes, it tastes disgusting. Yes, its just as cheap to buy vodka and juice as it is to buy beer. Of course beer makes you sick. Everyone already knows all that. There doesn't have to be a good reason behind the awesomeness that is beer. All that matters is that you drink it, a lot, and high five everyone to let them know when you're drunk. Mental note: You're in college now, so high-fiving people you would never talk to sober is cool.