Music is a statement.  Whether you’re looking for the perfect playlist to get your lady-friend in the mood to “drop that neck” or trying to find tunes to bump in your station wagon, you need to find the best of the best.  I believe that music “speaks volumes” about a person, therefore, if you listen to shitty music, chances are, you are shitty.  Every person’s tastes are different, and because of that, I cannot tell you what or who to listen to.  However, there are several landmines in the world of music and therefore I can certainly tell you what tunes not to funnel into your brain.

I’m going to start off with a shocker for some but, Journey – Enough with the Journey already guys.  You “can’t stop believing” so much that I am beginning to hate this classic rock-panty dropper.  It seems like every time you are at a party, it’s on, and every time you get into a new person’s car, it’s on, it’s difficult to go through a day and not hear the greatness that once was Journey.  I say “once was”, not because Journey is washed up, because they’re not, but because, greatness can be played out and nearly destroyed the same way common Fergalistic musical trash can.  Seriously, let’s put Journey on the back burner for 30 minutes, it will sound better if you haven’t listened to it for 5 hours straight.  

The A*Teens, Spicegirls, and “Backsync* LFO Degrees”- If you’re a dude, you’re the world’s biggest vag and probably gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.  You may try to keep this musical guilty pleasure a secret but it will be leaked one day, and being the floppiest vagina is a hard reputation to live down, trust me.  However, if you’re a girl over the age of 9, which is still entirely too old to listen to this shit, you need a [new] hobby.  Scrap booking and makeovers will not get you a boyfriend and/or laid, and trust me you need some sense fucked into you (even if it comes by way of the head of the AV staff).  These groups scream out that you are trapped in the past. And not only are you trapped in the past, you are trapped in that really awkward part of the past that includes training bras, planet-sized pimples, and Are you there God? It’s Me, Margaret.  Drop this group like they are hotter than your colloquium club president (who isn’t hot unless Hell has frozen over…and it hasn’t).  

Taking Back Sunday and all other Emo suck bands- Wipe the eyeliner off your face, bandage your wrists, and put sunblock on, because it’s time to go outside and spend a considerable time in the sun since you are so pale, you are almost clear.  Your parents have every right to take a belt to you for listening to this trash.  For the guys who listen to TBS and similar groups, you have a considerable amount of work to do.  Your father is probably about to commit suicide because he sees you wearing women’s pants and makeup every day.  Plus all of your emo girlfriends dress the same way as you, so he can only assume all of the she’s are he’s and subsequently, you’re gay.  Having your bloodline snapped by a gay makeup wearing pussy is enough to drive any father to taking his own life.

Radiohead – How is your tea, poetry, and anal sex sans lube, you pseudo sophisticated narcissistic music prick?  Radiohead is good, but not that good. Your favorite band cannot possibly whine this much, so please pick a new one and Coldplay and Brand New are not options. Put some Balls in your Balls and listen to music where you don’t contemplate suicide.  

Speaking of suicide, TURN OFF Postal Service!  Nintendo came up with better songs for the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (oh yeah… I’m a wicked big nerd), mostly because I don’t have to listen to the most depressing voice and lyrics in history.  How did this guy get two bands to ruin??  He has the opportunity to depress the masses twice as much and that depresses me.  

50 Cent – If you’re white and you like this crap, I have an idea how to make your life meaningful.  First you should turn this off, and then join the Army.  However, if you are black and think this passes for music, I have one suggestion: pick a better rapper, 50 sucks, really he does, I have no further comments on the world of hip-hop.  

I hoped I could help direct you towards better musical options, however I could only try to steer you away from the obvious musical booby traps.  Remember, your taste in music could be the deciding factor in whether you get laid, not laid, or jumped by an African-American, so be ready, and don’t listen to the aforementioned shitbox music.