Greetings! I’m here to help you win the heart of the object of your desire. No? The Belle of the Ball. Really? No? Fine, the hottest broad with the most amazing rack. Think of me as your cool uncle, only way better looking, not living in your grandparents’ basement and without the red Camaro. Mine’s blue. Just kidding. I drive a boat. Stepping up your game is easy – just follow these 4 steps:

1. Don’t Dance Like A Buffoon. Better yet, just don’t dance at all. You’re not all that good. Are you familiar with the move you do, where you clench your fists and kind of thrust your pelvis all about? Precisely. Refrain from that. However, with certain songs, fist-pumping is unavoidable. One example is "Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Another is "I've Got The World on a String."

2. Bring A Companion. Some people call these men “Wing-Men,” but that’s not really your chum’s purpose right now. His only objective is to make you look good. So go out there and find your greasiest, slouchiest, most hobgoblin look-alike friend, and bring him with you. By comparison, you are now the most attractive person around. Later on, you can tell an attractive female that you do community service work with the underprivileged as you gesture to your grunting comrade.

3. Compliment Something Unique. Don’t tell a lady she has nice eyes – she knows that’s a line. Don’t compliment a low-cut shirt – she’ll know you’re eyeing her macaroons. Instead, show your admiration for something someone else might not notice, like her shoes, her earrings or a headband. She obsessed over every detail of her outfit. If you show her that her hard work paid off… so will yours.

4. Never, Ever Give Up. If there’s one thing women love, it’s persistence. If she tries some half-hearted excuse like “I have to go to the bathroom,” go wait outside the door. If other people try to talk to her, interrupt them. Show her you’re determined and committed to her by punching any other potential suitors swiftly and forcefully in the stomach. She’ll appreciate it.

By following these four easy steps, you can undoubtedly be just as successful with the ladies as I am. Only you don’t have a boat. So you better hope we don’t wind up at the same party.

Thanks to Old Spice for making this important transfer of knowledge possible. For more advice from an experienced man, click here.