I've never taken any real, college-level psychology classes. My freshman year, I enrolled in an introductory course on Freudian psychoanalysis, listened toa synopsis of hisproposed stages of psychosexual development and made a bee-line for the door. I'm sure many of you psych majors understood my leaving that day as a sign that the lecture was hitting too close to home and that I was uncomfortable discussing my anal fixation with strangers, which is not true at all. I'll "talk shit" to anyone, napoleonic complex aside. I just don't believe that Freud hit the proverbial nail on the head when he surmised that my predilection for sodomy is a derivative of some arcane, subconscious desire to please mommy. No, my motives are based upon much more immediate goals. I want to stick my wee-wee in my girlfriend's heiny because it's tighter than her ti-ti, but more importantly, because she refuses to let me do so. Girls, if you have a hard time understanding this premise, allow me to explain it another way: I want to F my girlfriend's A for the same reason your boyfriends jerk off thinking about your archnemesis.. .because it's forbidden. If she told me that, starting right now,it was open season on her asshole, I'd probably do it once then never ask for it again (sober.) I don't want to defile her, I want to defy her.

If I were to rewrite Freud's theory on psychosexual development, I'd have reached an entirely different conclusion. I'm not fixated with butt-sex/butt-fingering because it made mommy happy when I pooped in the toilet and I mistakenly associated her happiness with the sensation of a BM. No, I'm fixated on asses because I never got to fling a steaming pile of one inmommy's face for trying to tellme where I can and can not relieve myself. Mind your own business, lady! Now, and I'm sorry to say it, I'm seeking some recourse on the female gender by doing my girlfriend up the ass… unless she's into it.

Psychology, in short, is based upon the musings of some very confused people, many of whom were admitted drug abusers, and what we now consider "psychology" is the end-result of those junkies trying to figure out what the fuck their problems were. Therefore, it shouldn't come as a surprise when equally confused students, many of whomdo drugs, are drawn to psychology classes. They're seeking answers to their own questions, but looking to equally disturbed people to provide them. It's the blind leading the blind. I, for one, find it hard to trust a guy who claims to have fantasized about banging his mom while the rest of his peers were drawing on walls in crayon, eating paste, and hurting animals. Nor do I trust a girl who owns up to her daddy issues rather than doing what normal girls our age do: try to fuck them away.


Becky: Dr. Freud, why do I love the feeling of a long, hard wang speed-bagging my uvula?

Dr. Freud: Well, Becky, your mother must have weened you off of her breast before you were ready to give up the associated feelings of security and safety. It could also be due to the fact that you never felt loved by the male, father-figure of your youth and you now fornicate men in a vain attempt to fill that void you once felt existed. In other words, it's not your fault that you've grown into a socially outcasted sleep-about with baggage! Now, run along! Jamar's nuts won't bust themselves! And tell the entire offensive line that I said hi.

Becky: I will! Thanks, Dr. Freud! I feel completely absolved of any responsibility for my poor decisions, both past and present! With the next batch of man-aisse that I choke down, I'll know that I'm not sucking dick because I hate myself! I actually hate my parents!

Dr. Freud: That's the spirit! Now, in lieu of monetary payment, I think… (unzip)

That's why I'm never sending my kids to any shrink, and when they walk in on me banging their mother, I'll stare them dead in the eyes and say "Yes, I am hurting her." I mean, why confuse them?