How the Far Left Imagines a Conservative Family

Husband: Mmmm, honey, these oil burgers are great! Did you add something to the recipe?

Wife: Um, not really, I put a little Sudanese baby blood in the rub, but other than that, they’re the same.

Husband: I should have known! I love Sudanese baby blood. It's delicious.

Son: Mom, can I fill my Super Soaker with hairspray and squirt the sun after dinner?

Wife: I don't know, can you?

Son: MAY I fill my Super Soaker with hairspray and squirt the sun?

Wife: Oh, I suppose. If you see that pesky, majestic Bald Eagle, make sure you squirt him. That bitch.

Husband: Hey sweetie, did you iron my Klan hood?

Wife: Yes, it’s hanging on your gun rack, next to your King James Bible and your pile of empty domestic beer cans. Nascar, incest.

(The son rubs oil and redwood leaves all over his bare testicles)


Son: Sorry Dad, I just love depleting resources so much, and I thought that maybe I could share that passion with my future kids (smiles sheepishly)

Husband: Ha, it’s okay. Come on, let’s go obsess over college sports and masturbate to pictures of Ronald Reagan.

Wife: I love my boys

How the Far Right Imagines a Liberal Family

: Hey dear, how was your day?

Girlfriend: It was wonderful, I had an abortion. It was the bomb.

Boyfriend: Ah the fruits of our premarital relations. Anyways, what’s for dinner?

Girlfriend: Embryos. Chicken embryos, that is.

Boyfriend: Kewl… So what do you want to do after dinner?

Girlfriend: Well, I was thinking we could have premarital relations, of course-

Boyfriend: Haha, yeah, of course.

Girlfriend: Then we can watch an independent movie, listen to some independent music, eat hummus, and then write protest songs.

Boyfriend: Sounds good. I’m a spineless pansy who thinks he deserves everything.

Girlfriend: Blah blah blah, change the world, blah blah blah, fuck a tree, blah blah blah, arts council, blah blah equality…

Boyfriend: Blah blah blah, silverware, blah blah blah, I wear scarves, blah blah blah, abomination to the sanctity of marriage.

(They both strap on bomb vests and detonate themselves in a crowded room of politicians.)