“Don’t lose the screws, you can’t put it back in without the screws.”

“Your hard drive might need reformatting.”

“Do you have virus protection?”

“…and moisture or penetration in the system could cause . . .”

“Let’s take a look at your operating system.”

“Your drive is readable.”

“I’d increase your RAM speed.”

“Your Firewire port has gone bad.”

“See, do you see how your motherboard has a slot that it will fit right into?”

“Okay, so we’ll back it up onto your external hard drive.”

Then they told me it would cost one hundred and fifty-nine dollars to transfer all the data on the readable hard drive of my old laptop to my new one. As soon as I heard the words “one hundred and-” my hackneyed, geek-themed sexual fantasies ended and I dried up like an Israeli desert. I went home and took my hard drive into my own hands. I ended up finishing the job myself for only $19.99 with an enclosure thing. I’m cheap, but I get it done.

Speaking of taking my hard drive into my own hands. . .
here are some things I said to my boyfriend last night in an attempt to get him to stop playing the new Madden football game.

“Those virtual players will NEVER blow you.”

“Mmmm high-tech football video games that look super realistic make me soooo horny.”

“Fantasy Challenge, I’ll give you a Fantasy Challenge.”


“Cunt pussy cunt twat pussy cunt twat…RIGHT HERE!”*

*I’m now banned from being in the living room while he's playing Madden. . .with his friends . . .and some of his family members. Which isn’t surprising since last year I was banned from watching live football with him entirely. But that’s a whole other article