Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A How to Guide on Safe Sex by a Guy Who Doesn't Really Understand Safe Sex
August 15, 2007
No luck with the babes this summer? Don't sweat it. This semester's going to be different. I can feel it. Lady Luck is smiling down on me…you…I mean us, and we are gonna get our freak on with some hot females before you can say, "restraining order."
Of course, we can't forget the most important part of hooking up: safety. So I devised a little guide on how to engage in safe sexual practices.
These are key in handling any major spills that could occur during the sexual discourse. You have to wear them during Biology lab. Why would you think this would be any different? Rumor has it that if certain chemicals get into your eyes during sex you may go blind or develop a severe rash that resembles poison oak. Vision is also an extremely important part of the sex-making process since you want to be able to see how hot the bodacious babe you're banging is, so that you can describe her with pinpoint accuracy to your friends at Magic Camp next summer.
An alarm system should only take two to three hours (max) to rig up in your dorm room. You want this bad boy all set just in case your roommate tries to come back early to interrupt your body-melding fest. I recommend the Slomin's Shield. My mom has that one and I've only walked in on her and her boyfriend doing it four
times. That's not a lot since they do it pretty much every day. God, I hate him.
This is an important part of documenting the sexcapades you and your girl experience. Documentation is key in proving later on that the act actually took place. If for unforeseeable reasons your gal pal is not too keen on being videotaped you're going to have to place the camera in a more discreet location. But
circumstances hide it under your Magic Binder or props. A colleague of mine nearly killed his pet rabbit after a tragic tripod mishap.
Know Your Lady:
Different ladies will be into different kinds of things. A Captain America costume won't turn on every single chick. Even if they were born in the U.S. Weird right? I know. Whatever…just keep a wide variety of superhero gear and period props in case she's in the mood for some medieval foreplay. And remember, always be the knight. Serfs and peasants are a total turn off.
Congratulations! You've made it to the end of my handy guide and are now ready for full on copulation with that classmate you've been keeping tabs on all summer. Newsfeed reported that she just broke up with her boyfriend. So good luck with her…or a prostitute.
But seriously there's nothing wrong with that. Right? I mean, most young boys in third world European countries have their first sexual experiences in the local brothel alongside their fathers. Statistically speaking. Too bad my father left us for that nineteen year old Chinese violinist. Maybe my mom's boyfriend will take me. Ugh, I hate him.
See you all at the Magic convention when we swap stories and photos of our crazy adventures with the ladies. And remember, no photoshopping. That is for losers.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.