Ethan: A little Friday afternoon special this week. We've been waiting and waiting for something particularly interesting to happen in sports this week and still nothing. No Vin Baker murder mystery. No Travis Henry road rage incident. No Starbury trade. Nothing. So let's do all lightning round this week to appeal to our readers with ADHD.
Amir: YAY! LIGHTNING ROUND!!! Wait, what?
Ethan: Pop your Adderall, kids. Now that all of his friends have dropped dimes on him, will Vick cop a plea?
Amir: No idea. My knowledge of the law is limited to 10th grade elective and various courtroom dramas. The real question is, whatever happens, will he play this season? Will he ever play again?
Ethan: I don't think he'll play this season. He'll play again. He's too good not to. Maybe with the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the CFL, but somewhere. Think about how deadly Vick would be with only three downs. No more having to struggle with counting to four! Next up: who wins the Heisman this year?
Amir: How can you not say McFadden? He finished second last year and will be even better this year. Besides, his mom already said he was going to win. Carlos Zambrano 5 years $90M. Are you happy if you are Carlos Zambrano? Are you happy if you are a Cubs fan?
Ethan: If I'm Zambrano, I took a big discount to stay, so I must be happy. If I'm a Cubs fan, I love the deal short-term, but I'd be worried about the long-term health of a guy who throws that many pitches that hard. But really, they got Zambrano and enough money left to get a decent 4-5 starter for three or four years for less than what Zito got paid. Of course, this hypothetical situation has me being a Cubs fan, so of course I'd be sad. Just in general. Speaking of hypothetical, you hypothetically have the second pick in our fantasy draft this year and as luck would have it, I am hypothetically picking third, who are you taking? Tell me!
Amir: I'm hoping LT drops. Barry Bonds is planning on suing Curt Schilling. Which pitcher would you most like to sue, and why?
Ethan: Adam Eaton. I'd like to charge him with five counts of being Adam Eaton. Thank God the Phillies have him locked up for several more years you can't just find a guy with an ERA of 6 on waivers. Seriously who are you taking with the second pick: LJ? SJax? Addai Another Day? Gore?!
Amir: JaMarcus Russell. I want him to be on my team before joining the NFL. Who is going to sign a contract first: Him or LJ?
Ethan: LJ's supposedly close. I guess Russell's got all the leverage. He could join a circus that would pay him to throw from his knees. Or TNA Wrestling. You going to watch PacMan's wrasslin' work? What should he call his finishing move?
Amir: Easy Make it Chocolate Rain.
Ethan: I would pay a hundred dollars to hear PacMan and Dusty Rhodes announce a wrestling match together. Maybe more.
Amir: Where does A-Rod play next year? And where would he play if you controlled the world?
Ethan: In Japan for the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters. I dunno why, I just always thought it was funny a ham company sponsored a baseball team. They need the publicity. He'll still be in New York. Maybe with the Angels. I don't see him anywhere else. How impressive was Tiger's PGA win? Could you shoot a 63 in 100-plus degree heat?
Amir: Me personally? Definitely. Could Angel Cabrerra shoot 100 in 63 degree heat?
Ethan: It was so hot his cigarettes were lighting themselves. I don't know if you watched the tourney, but get the footage of Sergio trying to get out of a bunker three times. At the end, he looks down like it's the sand's fault he can't chip out. Might have mentioned this before who's the second-best player in fantasy football this year?
Amir: I've narrowed it down to 49 players but I'm not entirely sure how to pick one. Last question: YOU READY FOR AN INTERESTING FACT OF THE WEEK?
Ethan: Joseph Addai. I mean, yes.
Amir: Justin Upton was the first rookie this year to have three extra base hits in a game who was the last guy to do it? His brother BJ.
Ethan: Their parents have such good genes. They're like the Vicks, but not ashamed.
Amir: You know when the last time two brothers held such a record?
Ethan: No, but I'm hoping it involves the Niekro brothers. Or at the very least Horace and Harvey Grant. Not the Barbers.
Amir: THOMAS AND JULIUS JONES! (hint!)
Ethan: You're taking Julius Jones second? Great, I'll take Marion Barber III third. The Third with the third pick? It's a sign.
Amir: It's a stretch.
Ethan: Full Fantasy preview next week. Until then, get ready to convince yourself that drafting Heath Miller is a really good idea.
Amir: (Hint: it's not.)
By the way, if you haven't seen it yet, StraightCashHomey.net is now Ethan and Amir's shitty jersey blog. Check out the amazing sights for yourself, and if you have a gem of your own, please email them!