By: Lizzie Dunham
Oh my god! Whoooooo! College totally rules, you guys. Holler! Like, it is so awesome! I mean, this morning I woke up and totally didn’t know where I was or what day it was and I somehow lost my really really cute Betsy Johnson tube top but whatevs, right? Like, I remember being at a party at SAE and making out with this guy who I am pretty sure was wearing Abercrombie cargo shorts and a Widespread Panic t-shirt. Turns out that was three whole days ago. Can you, like, believe it?!? College is sooooo cool! The only problem is that I talked to my roommate, also named Lizzie (ohmygod what a small world, right?? We’ve decided that we are both going to be each other’s Maids of Honor at our weddings. So totally cute, right?) and she said that I was like, totally not a virgin anymore. I was like, what the fuck? I only gave the guy at Phi Kap a handjob and I defs only made out with that hot guy from the swim team, or was it the hockey team? Whatevs—I made out with him and he fingered me on top of the ping pong table. Haha. That night I totally dropped my cell in the toilet while puking and was so drunk that I took it out and was trying to make calls with it and got puke and toilet water all over my face and hair. So, anyway, I was like, I lost my virginity? And she told me that four guys who live on the floor below us went into a room at DKE to take bong hits and totally interrupted us doing it. So, I was like, are you sure it was me cause maybe they saw someone else that looked like me. Then she was like, you were wearing a cowboy hat, they said, and I was like, oh then it probably was me cause I totes wore a cowboy hat to the DKE party cause we come from a Ho Down (get it, “ho” down?) at PiKA. And, like, for a second I kinda felt super bad about it cause I wanted my first time to be super special, you know, after he says I love you and we light candles and turn on some John Mayer…But the super great thing about how it really went down is that I totally don’t have to deal with the pain and like all that blood and shit cause if I felt it I totes don’t remember it, holler! Ugh, I would die for some artichoke dip right now.